Using DNA To Find Your Birth Family, READ THIS FIRST

Adoptees are ruining their own reunions by recklessly handling their DNA matches. Reunions are delicate situations and should be handled as such. Just because you are excited by your results doesn’t mean you should bulldoze your way through them. You won’t do yourself any favors by contacting your matches prematurely.

When my search angel and I found my birth family, we careful chose which immediate family member to contact first. Here’s why: As an adoptee, you don’t know the answers yet. There are many different scenarios you could be walking into. Your birth mother may be the only person who knows about you, or she may have spent the last few decades trying to block out the pain of your adoption. There are endless possible scenarios. The point is that your immediate family will probably be much less excited about your arrival if you announce yourself with a bullhorn to all the extended family beforehand. Adoption and reunion are personal matters to be handled with care.

Some will argue that it’s your right to barge your way in and announce yourself to whoever will listen. That may be accurate, but as the saying goes, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. If you are looking for a long, meaningful relationship with your birth family, you should approach your reunion with caution and respect. You may be lucky and get an immediate family match as soon as you test, but that is often not the case.

So what do you do if your closest matches are cousin matches? First you need to educate yourself on what your matches actually tell you. Matches reflect a certain amount of centimorgans per a number of DNA segments. A half-sibling can show the same as an aunt/uncle, niece/nephew, or grandparent/grandchild. Likewise a half- aunt/uncle/niece/nephew or great-grandparent/great-grandchild may show as a first cousin. It’s important to create your own family tree of your matches so you can properly identify everyone. You can use the public trees of your matches as well as public records and social media to fill in your tree.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/using-dna-to-find-your-birth-family-read-this-first

What Non-Adoptees Don't Get About Growing Up Adopted

For most of my life, the only connection I had to my birth family was a few pieces of paper my adoptive parents claimed to have never seen.

I had a relatively normal childhood. After my parents divorced at the beginning of middle school, my mom had something similar to a nervous breakdown. I was saddled with raising my toddler sister for a few years, after which I became a very rebellious teenager. On a whim my mom moved us from North Carolina to Colorado. During an argument with my mother she basically disowned me. She threw a bunch of paperwork at me. It was my amended birth certificate and such. In my anger, I snatched up the papers, put them in my bag, and stormed out of the hotel room.

I caught a Greyhound bus back to North Carolina. On the 36-hour ride back, I went through the bundle of documents I had been given. I found all these things I had never seen before. I found my adoption papers and my non-identifying information. Non-identifying info is a vague description of one’s biological family. The letter included a half-sister who is four years older than me and that there were no known illnesses at the time of my birth. I found it quite shocking that I has not been made aware of them earlier, especially since I had always expressed a strong desire to know my medical history. Months later I confronted my parents with my adoption documents. They both looked at me like I had three heads. They both denied they had ever seen any of it before.

From that moment on the bus I knew those papers were the only thing still tying me to those who shared my blood. Until I had kids, I protected them above all else. If I moved, they rode in the car with me, not in the moving truck. I knew that the answers to the questions I’d had my whole life were locked away on that dried ink. To this day I still keep them with my most valuable possessions even though they lost their mystique the day I met my birth mother.

Non-Adoptees don’t understand because they have their documents. To get new ones they don’t have to jump through hoops like adoptees, only visit a clerk. And don’t get me started on original birth certificates. People who were not adopted take for granted their right to an original legal birth document. They can just drive to the health department and pick one up. Few states allow adoptees to access theirs at all. Adoptees are fighting every day to change laws to give them that basic right.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/what-non-adoptees-dont-get-about-growing-up-adopted

I'm Adopted and I Chose Not To Adopt. Here's Why

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. I’m not exactly sure why. It could have been because my mom did such an amazing job when I was little. Maybe I just wanted to be like her. It could have been because I didn’t know my biological parents. Maybe I wanted more for my child. Maybe somehow I thought I could do even better. I just knew that one day I would be a supermom to my flesh-and-blood children.

I had a happy childhood. It was full of happy times and fond memories. The family that adopted me was my “real” family. They were my life. I am not one of the many adoptees who always felt a part of them was missing. My desire to find my birth family came about much later in life.
I was always told how much I looked like my mother. It was true that we looked alike, sort of. We both had blonde hair, blue eyes, and fair skin. It was a close enough match that people never doubted the relationship. In response to comments about our “striking resemblance” we would just smile and nod. I didn’t usually think about my being adopted, but those comments always seemed to remind me there was no biological connection. When you are adopted, people will often tell you that biology doesn’t matter. They say you learn everything environmentally and that birth parents are simply DNA donors. I have found that to be incorrect.

I was 26 years old when my first son was born. Until that day I had never known a single person who was related to me. I didn’t know anyone who had my ears or my smile. I don’t regret that I was adopted. I wouldn’t trade my family for anything. As luck would have it, that beautiful baby boy looked exactly like his father. We share blonde hair and blue eyes, so it’s not as if we look like we don’t belong together. But, after all that, I was a smidge disappointed to hear people say daily, “He looks just like his Daddy.” Nevertheless he was healthy and happy. He was my one and only relation. We had the same blood running through our veins . . . almost. Leave it to me to have a child with a different blood type than my own. I resigned to the realization that I wasn’t meant to have family resemblance with anybody. We decided not to have any more children.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/im-an-adoptee-and-i-chose-not-to-adopt-heres-why

What You Need To Know About Positive Adoption Language

I have been a member of adoption groups and forums for years. The adoption world is quite different now than it was in the 80’s when I was born. Things are moving in a positive direction. For one, we are seeing a tremendous amount of open adoptions, which have been great for adoptees. They get to grow up knowing their family history and have their birth families as a part of their lives. Another big change is the adoption language being used. We currently live in a time where people are being more sensitive with their vocabulary. That’s a good thing, but not everyone got the memo that the wording has changed.

Here are a few key terms to be aware of:

“Real parents”

Somehow the term “real parents” is still being used. I am an adoptee, so this one probably annoys me the most. The parents who raised me, for better or worse, are my real parents. The parents who are related to me by blood are “birth parents” or “biological parents.” Those are the correct terms.
“Put up for adoption”
When a birth mother finds an adoptive home, she has decided to “place” her child for adoption. The phrases “gave up for adoption” or “put up for adoption” are no longer used. “Gave up” sounds like she has given up, which would be inaccurate. “Put up” originated during the Orphan Train Movement. From 1853 to 1929 trains took homeless and orphaned children from Eastern cities to the rural Midwest for adoption. The kids who did not have pre-arranged adoptions were “put up” on train platforms for selection.
“Keeping the baby”
If a expectant mother is exploring adoption and chooses not to proceed, she is not “keeping the baby.” She has “chosen to parent.”
“Can’t have their own children”
A couple who is unable to conceive should be referred to as “infertile.” It is not appropriate to say “they could not have children of their own.” Use of “their own” is considered discriminatory. It aims to differentiate between biological and adopted children. All of the children belonging to a parent are considered their own.
READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-talking-about-adoption-positive-adoption-language

Not My Adoption Trauma

I read an article a couple of years ago that really made my blood boil. It was about adoption trauma. I’m so tired of all the victimization. The article explained that the trauma is embedded in the DNA of infants before the adoption even takes place. Do I believe many adoptees have experienced trauma at some point? Yes. Do I believe in adoption trauma? Unequivocally, no.
The article discusses how much stress birth mothers must be under and how traumatic it must be for the infant to be given to a stranger. Let’s take a minute to define what we’re talking about when we use the word “trauma.” What is physical trauma? Physical trauma is defined by a serious injury to the body. I am not a doctor, but I’m sure an elevated heart rate, increased blood pressure, and increased cortisol levels don’t amount to a serious injury. What is psychological trauma? It is defined as damage to the mind that occurs as a result of a seriously distressing event. In order for a mind to be damaged, it would have to start off sound. There is no way to know when the mind of a baby is even whole enough to damage. Infants don’t even see steadily and in color until they are about five months old.
When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, my husband and I were struggling financially. We were both working all the time and juggling the responsibilities of our other son. We had a lot going on that we had to handle, and to say that I was stressed would be an understatement. I had all-day “morning sickness” starting at 12 weeks gestation. I lost more weight than I gained. It was so bad that I had to excuse myself from customers at work to go to the bathroom to get sick.
Being that physically ill for that long took a huge toll on my body. That sickness lasted the duration of the pregnancy. The doctor tried several different medications to stop it so I might gain weight. I had different allergic reactions to each, the last of which landed me in the emergency room with anaphylaxis.
READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/not-my-adoption-trauma-thoughts-from-a-not-so-victimized-adoptee

3 Questions To Ask Your Birth Parents During Your First Communication

I have known I was adopted for as long as I can remember. It wasn’t something that was announced one day. It was something my parents always talked about freely. I lived a happy life and was raised by a loving family. I was often curious about what had happened to my biological family. I wondered why they didn’t keep me. I wanted to know who in the family I looked like.

Most adoptees spend time thinking of what was or what could have been. A large number of them decide to search for their birth parents. Initiating that search is in no way a slight on the adoptive parents. It just means you want to know more about your story.

Once you have found your birth parents your mind will race and questions will abound. The details you hope for will seem endless. It can be very overwhelming at first. But there are really only three questions you need to focus on in the beginning.

Being in reunion is very much like cultivating a brand new friendship. You may have more questions than that, but they really don’t need to be tackled all at once. The rest can be answered over time. Here are the three questions you should focus on during your first communication.

1. Why did you place me for adoption?

This question has most likely been with you the longest. Birth parents make that choice for many different reasons. The most common are due to age, financial status, or lack of a support system. Be open-minded. We are living in a much different time now than when you were born. You may not necessarily agree with or understand the decision that they made. That’s okay, you don’t have to. If you want to develop a relationship with your birth parents, you will have to be able to accept it.

Read FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/3-questions-to-ask-your-birth-parents-during-your-first-communication/

Wanting To Find Your Birth Family Is Very Normal

Most adoptees wonder from time to time where they came from. They become curious about their roots. Plenty of adoptees seek out that information at some point. Where does that desire come from? Some would argue that humans have an innate need to know their origins. Some would call it a primal desire. I disagree. I don’t think that is the case at all. I think society unintentionally pushes us to the place where the questions live. I think it’s how we react individually to those nudges that affects our degree of need. People search for many reasons. Most adoptees search to fill a void in their life or because they are unhappy and wish to start anew. Most search out of sheer curiosity. Wanting to find your birth family is normal. It is a completely normal progression of events.

If the desire to know one’s past was inborn, then what of the late-discovery adoptees? They are on a seemingly average path, and then suddenly they learn they are not biologically part of their family. If they were born with such curiosity, wouldn’t they have suspected something was amiss all those years? That is not always the case. Most late-discovery adoptees are in complete shock when they find the truth. Then those around them start to ask questions, and the searching for answers begins.

I was adopted as an infant by a couple in a closed adoption. I just happened to look very similar to my adoptive mom. Everywhere we went people would comment. Standing in line at the bank a woman would say, “You know, you look just like your Momma.” Shopping in the grocery store a man would observe, “Well, if she isn’t the spitting image of you.” It was fine, really. We never corrected anyone. We just smiled and went on with our day. People didn’t know any better. To me, though, each time that happened it was a reminder that she was not actually my birth mother. The only times I ever thought about being adopted were in response to what others said or did.

Read FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/wanting-to-find-your-birth-family-is-very-normal