How To Comfort An Adoptee With A Failed Reunion

All adoptee reunions carry emotional weight. Unfortunately not all reunions end in happy tears and warm embraces like on TV. Every adoptee situation is unique. For every happy ending, there is one that is not so lucky. Helping someone through that experience can be difficult and should be handled with care.

When you hear the term “failed reunion,” most often you think of a family member who was found, but did not want to be found. That is a complete rejection of communication. Well there are many other types of failed reunions as well. Sometimes a parent is excited about the reunion and then after a few meetings, decides to discontinue contact. In some cases, the parent is happy to be found, but doesn’t want to tell the spouse or other children. The relationship is forced to continue for weeks, months, or even years before the parent halts all contact without an explanation.

No matter what experience happens, failed reunions can be quite devastating. For an adoptee, it can bring about feelings of abandonment. They can be made to feel like they are being rejected for a second time. Sometimes those emotions can spiral out of control, and it can be good for them to have a friend to lean on. I don’t pretend to know why people do the things that they do. I know it can be quite a shock to have someone show up out of the blue after many years. I also know there are two sides to every story. I’ve heard more than one tale of an adoptee being too eager and moving too fast, too soon and not respecting boundaries. However the story gets to that point, there are ways to heal.

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Adoption Is Not A Cure For Family Problems

I’m adopted, as was my sister before me. From my understanding, my parents were on a long waiting list before I came along. For years I pictured the demand for babies being much higher than the amount of available ones. When I was ten years old, my family moved from Pensacola to Miami following an opportunity for my dad’s business. In no time at all, his construction business was booming. We moved into a beautiful, rather large house and were able to buy pretty much anything we wanted. We went on frequent vacations and had nice cars.

It was no secret that my dad had always wanted a son. Aside from his fishing and racecar driving interests, he needed an heir to the family name. In my parent’s apparent blissfulness, they decided to adopt another child. This time around, they specified that they wanted a boy. I don’t recall it taking very long at all, and they were matched with a couple. Over the next few months there was lots of shopping and preparing. There was also a home visit or two. The big day came, and to everyone’s surprise, our baby boy was a baby girl. We brought her home and doted over her. She was the most precious, pampered baby I could imagine. We completely adored her. Just a few months later our world turned upside-down.

Some poor decisions had left our dad’s company in a tough spot. He had taken on some partners, and things had gone awry. He sat us down for a family meeting. He was very upset as he explained to us that there was going to be a trial. He said everything would be fine, but that there were some people who were angry and would probably say some pretty nasty things. He told us to pack up and head back to Pensacola for the duration. He said he would be along shortly afterward. We were well on our way to losing the house. The plan was to regroup once we were all together again.

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