I'm Adopted and I Chose Not To Adopt. Here's Why

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. I’m not exactly sure why. It could have been because my mom did such an amazing job when I was little. Maybe I just wanted to be like her. It could have been because I didn’t know my biological parents. Maybe I wanted more for my child. Maybe somehow I thought I could do even better. I just knew that one day I would be a supermom to my flesh-and-blood children.

I had a happy childhood. It was full of happy times and fond memories. The family that adopted me was my “real” family. They were my life. I am not one of the many adoptees who always felt a part of them was missing. My desire to find my birth family came about much later in life.
I was always told how much I looked like my mother. It was true that we looked alike, sort of. We both had blonde hair, blue eyes, and fair skin. It was a close enough match that people never doubted the relationship. In response to comments about our “striking resemblance” we would just smile and nod. I didn’t usually think about my being adopted, but those comments always seemed to remind me there was no biological connection. When you are adopted, people will often tell you that biology doesn’t matter. They say you learn everything environmentally and that birth parents are simply DNA donors. I have found that to be incorrect.

I was 26 years old when my first son was born. Until that day I had never known a single person who was related to me. I didn’t know anyone who had my ears or my smile. I don’t regret that I was adopted. I wouldn’t trade my family for anything. As luck would have it, that beautiful baby boy looked exactly like his father. We share blonde hair and blue eyes, so it’s not as if we look like we don’t belong together. But, after all that, I was a smidge disappointed to hear people say daily, “He looks just like his Daddy.” Nevertheless he was healthy and happy. He was my one and only relation. We had the same blood running through our veins . . . almost. Leave it to me to have a child with a different blood type than my own. I resigned to the realization that I wasn’t meant to have family resemblance with anybody. We decided not to have any more children.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/im-an-adoptee-and-i-chose-not-to-adopt-heres-why

What You Need To Know About Positive Adoption Language

I have been a member of adoption groups and forums for years. The adoption world is quite different now than it was in the 80’s when I was born. Things are moving in a positive direction. For one, we are seeing a tremendous amount of open adoptions, which have been great for adoptees. They get to grow up knowing their family history and have their birth families as a part of their lives. Another big change is the adoption language being used. We currently live in a time where people are being more sensitive with their vocabulary. That’s a good thing, but not everyone got the memo that the wording has changed.

Here are a few key terms to be aware of:

“Real parents”

Somehow the term “real parents” is still being used. I am an adoptee, so this one probably annoys me the most. The parents who raised me, for better or worse, are my real parents. The parents who are related to me by blood are “birth parents” or “biological parents.” Those are the correct terms.
“Put up for adoption”
When a birth mother finds an adoptive home, she has decided to “place” her child for adoption. The phrases “gave up for adoption” or “put up for adoption” are no longer used. “Gave up” sounds like she has given up, which would be inaccurate. “Put up” originated during the Orphan Train Movement. From 1853 to 1929 trains took homeless and orphaned children from Eastern cities to the rural Midwest for adoption. The kids who did not have pre-arranged adoptions were “put up” on train platforms for selection.
“Keeping the baby”
If a expectant mother is exploring adoption and chooses not to proceed, she is not “keeping the baby.” She has “chosen to parent.”
“Can’t have their own children”
A couple who is unable to conceive should be referred to as “infertile.” It is not appropriate to say “they could not have children of their own.” Use of “their own” is considered discriminatory. It aims to differentiate between biological and adopted children. All of the children belonging to a parent are considered their own.
READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-talking-about-adoption-positive-adoption-language

Not My Adoption Trauma

I read an article a couple of years ago that really made my blood boil. It was about adoption trauma. I’m so tired of all the victimization. The article explained that the trauma is embedded in the DNA of infants before the adoption even takes place. Do I believe many adoptees have experienced trauma at some point? Yes. Do I believe in adoption trauma? Unequivocally, no.
The article discusses how much stress birth mothers must be under and how traumatic it must be for the infant to be given to a stranger. Let’s take a minute to define what we’re talking about when we use the word “trauma.” What is physical trauma? Physical trauma is defined by a serious injury to the body. I am not a doctor, but I’m sure an elevated heart rate, increased blood pressure, and increased cortisol levels don’t amount to a serious injury. What is psychological trauma? It is defined as damage to the mind that occurs as a result of a seriously distressing event. In order for a mind to be damaged, it would have to start off sound. There is no way to know when the mind of a baby is even whole enough to damage. Infants don’t even see steadily and in color until they are about five months old.
When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, my husband and I were struggling financially. We were both working all the time and juggling the responsibilities of our other son. We had a lot going on that we had to handle, and to say that I was stressed would be an understatement. I had all-day “morning sickness” starting at 12 weeks gestation. I lost more weight than I gained. It was so bad that I had to excuse myself from customers at work to go to the bathroom to get sick.
Being that physically ill for that long took a huge toll on my body. That sickness lasted the duration of the pregnancy. The doctor tried several different medications to stop it so I might gain weight. I had different allergic reactions to each, the last of which landed me in the emergency room with anaphylaxis.
READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/not-my-adoption-trauma-thoughts-from-a-not-so-victimized-adoptee