What If I Can Never Be Reunited with My Birth Child?

The thought of never seeing your child again can be truly heartbreaking. Knowing that he or she turned out okay can be a very comforting thing. Without that, you may feel lost in your circumstances. Being able to have a relationship with that child may be something that has been in the back of your mind for a while. It’s easy to understand that with all of the happy reunion stories you see in the news from people using DNA sites to find their families. Even though DNA tests are helping droves of adoptees to find birth family, there are still adoptees who don’t know how to use their results to find answers. Some of those people don’t know where to turn for help, so they simply think their matches aren’t close enough to be useful. It makes it really easy if your DNA is already on file, and it pops up as a match right away. One day your child may come looking for you. I am a firm believer in expecting the worst and hoping for the best. Don’t give up hope. You may see your child again, or you may not. But it’s not over until it’s over.

As an adoptee, I can tell you that it is likely that your child went on to have an amazing life. I can’t tell you why some adoptees choose to search for their birth families and some don’t. It’s a completely different experience for everyone. I looked for mine after I had kids because I wanted to know more about where I came from. I didn’t know if I would want a relationship when I found them, but I knew that I wanted to learn more. Even adoptees who decide not to search usually hold a special place in their hearts for their birth parents.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/what-if-never-be-reunited-my-birth-child

10 Tips That Will Make You Better at Child Communication

Good communication between a parent and child is one of the most important gifts in life. When done correctly, the seeds you plant when your children are small will continue to bloom throughout their lives. Here are 10 tips to improve your parent/child communication:

1. Listen to your kids. I mean really listen to them. Oftentimes, kids don’t articulate their needs well. You need to analyze their overall behavior to get an idea of what is going on with them. Sometimes the most important details are in the words that weren’t spoken. Pay attention to topics that come up frequently. That may indicate an area that a child needs help with but doesn’t want to ask for.

2. Ask them questions. Be interested in your children’s lives. When they tell you stories, ask for more information. You can inquire about their daily activities and friends without seeming nosy and overbearing. You don’t need to be best friends with your children, but you do need to purposefully stay involved, especially as they get older.

3. Be available to them. An open line of communication is crucial for successful parenting as well as safety. Let your children know that they can come to you with anything, even with the things they expect you will be upset about. It’s important that they always feel comfortable being honest with you.

4. Don’t judge them. There comes a point when your children are no longer tiny versions of you. They grow into their own people, and although you may influence their lives, you are no longer in control of them. I guarantee they will make decisions you do not agree with. There will be times when they ignore your advice. Let them be independent and love them for who they are, not what they do.

5. Let them make mistakes. Do you remember when you were younger? You didn’t learn well from other people’s mistakes, and they won’t either. Give them all the tools you can to make good choices. When they don’t use them, don’t say, “I told you so.” Be there to show your support and help brush them off.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/10-tips-will-make-you-better-child-communication

What Is an Adoption Forum and Why Should I Care?

An adoption forum is an online community for anyone whose life has been touched by adoption. It is a great place to have questions answered, get advice, and have discussions with others who can relate to your situation. An adoption forum can be an awesome resource to find accurate information and relatable experiences.

Adoption forums can have many different sections for all sorts of different circumstances. Ones for adoptive parents, birth parents, hopeful adoptive parents, and foster parents give helpful insights. These sections provide a space to ask each other for advice, seek out parenting resources, or simply get support after a bad day. Parenting from any angle is not an easy task, and forums help build each other up for the benefit of everyone.

Some forums are dedicated to international adoption. Adopting from another country can be a long, stressful process. You might find one specifically centered around the country you chose to adopt from. You can get tips and suggestions from parents who have been through the process before. Parents can support each other through the ups and downs of their international adoption journey.

Search and reunion forums are helpful for adoptees and birth families. Each party can get advice on how to best proceed with their search. The forum members also provide emotional support for each other during the reunion process and afterwards. Many people assume that a reunion is the end of a journey, but often it’s only the beginning. An adoption forum offers a place for people to be open and honest about their feelings without fear of judgment.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/what-is-adoption-forum-why-should-i-care

3 Reasons to Tell Your Adopted Child His Birth Mother Was Addicted to Drugs

It’s never fun being the bearer of bad news, especially when it involves your child. You don’t want to see that look in his eyes that reflects disappointment or pain. Sometimes as parents though we have to do the hard jobs, the ones no one else wants to do. If your parenting journey involves an adopted child, you must decide whether or not to tell him the secrets of his past. You may have to tell him that his birth mother was addicted to drugs. It may seem easier to sweep all that under the rug and consider it irrelevant. Sparing your child that conversation may feel like the right thing to do, but it’s not. When your child grows into an adult, you have a responsibility to tell him. Here’s why.

1. It’s his story. No matter how sad or devastating his adoption story may seem to you, it belongs to your child. That story is part of his past, and therefore, a part of his identity. All of who a person becomes is made from the tiny details that have occurred over a lifetime. Also, knowing his birth mother was addicted to drugs may go a long way in his reconciliation of why he was placed for adoption. It’s a big deal to an adoptee to know the reason why a birth parent chose not to parent him. Being addicted to drugs is a reasonable explanation.

2. It’s his future. Society has been going back and forth for years about whether drug addiction is a disease or not. Some say it’s hereditary, while others disagree. I’m not going to get into that debate, but I will say that it should be up to your child to decide how to use that information. He may want to watch his substance consumption for possible signs of addiction. He may choose not to drink at all in light of the situation of his placement. It’s also possible that the news won’t change his behavior at all. The point is that it’s his decision to make.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/3-reasons-adopted-child-birth-mother-addicted-to-drugs

Why Choose Adoption Over Abortion

Finding yourself pregnant unexpectedly can seem devastating. There are many reasons you may end up that way. Whatever the reason is, it can feel extremely lonely even if you are not alone. Matters can get especially complicated if you have differing views than your family or friends. It may seem unfair, and you may just want it to go away. Unfortunately, genies don’t exist. You have to choose where you go from here, and it must be a decision you can live with.

Very simply put, adoption is a beginning and abortion is an end. Choosing to end a pregnancy is a very personal choice. It is one that has always been and will always be argued. When you make that choice, you will go to a bright, cold clinic. You will have a doctor remove that baby from your body, successfully ending his life. You are in pain and bleeding until your body recovers. Then you are free to resume your life, as it was before, like it never happened.

When you make the choice to place your baby for adoption, you will go to a bright, cold hospital. You will have a doctor deliver that baby from your body, successfully beginning his life. You will feel like your heart is being ripped from your chest as they give the baby to someone else. You will find some semblance of comfort in the knowledge that you handpicked the people who would be the best parents for him. That is only the beginning.

The mom and dad you matched with your birth son will feel immense joy in every smile that boy gives. They will beam with pride at his first steps. As he grows, he will touch the lives of everyone around him. He will be Sally’s first kiss and Mr. Pearson’s favorite student. He’ll be the winner of the third-grade spelling bee. He’ll have siblings, friends, coaches, and classmates. He will be unique and special to all those who love him, and he’ll make mistakes because he is human.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/why-choose-adoption-over-abortion

A Life Taken, A Life Given

*GUEST POST by my sister Kristina Wood

On March 28th, 2016, our dad passed away only four months after being diagnosed with cancer. This was the first time I met my oldest half-sister. Bittersweet as it was, I was grateful for the opportunity to meet her, and it was like we had known each other all our lives. Three days later, still grieving the loss of my dad, I was at home standing on the balcony of my upstairs apartment as the sun was setting when my phone rang. My mom sounded upset and told me that something from her past had come to light. I stood there with my mouth hung open as my mom told me that five years before I was born, she and my dad had a baby girl that they placed for adoption.

I quietly listened to her pour out her heart and was patient while she laid down her burdens of guilt, shame, and fear. Taking a deep breath, I assured her that I didn’t harbor any hatred, judgment, or resentment towards her because of her decisions. My mind was racing; I had so many questions, but I was silent. I thought to myself, “We’ve been through this before; it should make it easier,” and yet, I was angry. I was angry because my parents made the decision to keep this a secret my whole life; I was angry because I felt like they didn’t trust us to love them unconditionally regardless of their choices as young adults; I was angry because I had been deceived, had spent my whole life thinking I was the oldest of only two biological children, and then just three days after the death of my father, discovered that I am the middle child.

I found myself grieving not only for my dad, but also for my mom, who had carried this weight alone all these years. I grieved for the sister I didn’t even know yet, for the life we never shared together, the memories we never got to make. After so much loss in my life in the last several years, I had been given this amazing gift. Another older sister to turn to for advice and counsel. Two amazing nephews to watch grow up, celebrate their successes and encourage them in their failures. A life had been taken, but I was given so much more. All of his girls were finally connected, able to build relationships that would last a lifetime.

*Guest post by my sister, Kristina Wood

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/a-life-taken-a-life-given

Things I Wish My Biological Mother Knew

I was adopted at birth. I have been working with various members of the adoption triad for years through online communities. Birth mothers have been some of the most selfless, altruistic people I have ever known. They can be the strongest, most kind-hearted people. Often, a birth mother has many questions about the child they placed. I reunited with my birth family two years ago. While there currently aren’t words to accurately cover all of the emotions I feel about my birth mother, here are five things I wish she knew:

I have loved you since before I knew you. When you carried me inside of you, a bond was formed. It’s a connection that I never knew existed until I met you. I have no memory of you from when I was a baby. Even still, my heart recognized you. Our reunion was not the stuff of TV drama. There weren’t flowing tears while the whole world watched. There was a humble embrace, and at that moment I knew I’d found a home I didn’t know I needed.

I cannot thank you enough for the sacrifice you made for me.  I always had a deep appreciation for your actions, but that was catapulted to a whole new level after I gave birth to my sons. I’ve watched videos of the journeys birth moms have chosen, and I have wept for them, wept for you. I absolutely do not know where you found the strength to say goodbye. Even if someone could guarantee that the child’s life would be better off somewhere else, I wholly believe I would be too selfish to let them go.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/things-i-wish-my-biological-mother-knew

How Adoption Started

Adoption has been around for as long as families have. There may not have been official terms or laws in place, but willing parents have always been given children who would not or could not have been taken care of otherwise. Before the 20th century, such actions were done in secret, and the children were deemed illegitimate, a word that came with devastating social ramifications. Most adoptions were done out of love for the children, but some were done merely for profit. For that reason, American adoption has a bit of a tawdry past.

The Massachusetts Adoption Act in 1891 is widely considered the first “modern” adoption law. It recognized adoption as a social and legal operation based on a child’s welfare. From 1854 to 1929, orphan trains took as many as 250,000 orphans from New York and other Eastern cities to Midwestern and Western states, as well as Canada and Mexico, for adoption. Adults chose children from on display at the train station with little to no regulation or oversight. The practice started as a way to help the 30,000 abandoned children on the streets of New York. It ended with the beginning of organized foster care.

Minnesota passed laws in 1917 requiring investigations prior to adoption and the closing of records. That later led to the national standards including pre-placement inquiry, post-placement probation, and confidentiality. The intention was to benefit children, but adult preferences sometimes came before children’s needs. Baby farming was common then. Unregulated and untrained women would care for children for pay. Many of the children were abused, neglected, or murdered. The adoptions were more profitable if the kids didn’t survive to accrue additional costs. During that time, babies were bought and sold like commodities. Some doctors and midwives worked as for-profit adoption brokers for unwed mothers and prostitutes. Legal action was taken against baby farming in the 1920s.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/how-adoption-started/

Why You Should Mentally Prepare Before Searching for Biological Parents

Most adoptees have little to no information about their birth family before their adoption journey begins. I have been personally involved in several searches, including my own, and I have watched many from afar in various adoptee groups. I have seen and heard all kinds of crazy adoption stories, and I’ve learned that it’s best to use the time during the search to prepare mentally for what you may find out.

You could find out that your birth mother was the victim of rape. You might learn that your birth parents already had six kids and couldn’t take care of another. Your birth mother may have wanted desperately to keep you, but her parents forced her to place you for adoption. Your birth father may have had an affair with your birth mother and threatened her to place you so as not to ruin his family. It’s possible that your birth father never knew you existed. Your birth mother may have been told that you passed away, but instead the hospital handled your adoption. I am not exaggerating when I say there are an endless list of possibilities. The interesting and strange part is that you never know which information will strike you emotionally until you hear it.

Take my case as an example. I had pretty much decided that I was ready to search, but I needed a DNA test. We live on a very tight budget. One of the adoption groups I’m in had donors giving away tests at Christmas. I got on the list but was contacted later and told that had run out of tests. They gave me the info of a different group to reach out to. I did, and they sent me an Ancestry DNA kit. I collected the sample and sent it back immediately.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/why-you-should-mentally-prepare-before-searching-for-biological-parents

The Importance of Biological Siblings: A Case for Open Adoption

I was adopted at birth in a closed adoption. I had an older sister whom my adoptive parents had adopted several years earlier. When I was eleven, my parents adopted another baby girl. We were pretty much your typical middle class family. I had a fun childhood. We went on some family vacations, and we moved around a bit. My parents were active in school and church. My sisters and I were not always the closest, but we love each other very much.

I got married, had two children, and stayed at home to take care of them. At thirty-four, I decided to search for my birth family. I had very little information to go on other than my non-identifying document. It listed the the level of education of my birth parents, general employment types, and a physical description. It also said my birth father had a four-year-old daughter when I was born. I chose to take a DNA test to aid in my search. About 5 weeks later, my results were in. With the help of a search angel, I learned the names of my birth parents and my FOUR biological sisters. My birth father passed away a few days before I found them. I have two half-sisters from my father’s previous relationships. A few months after my adoption, my birth parents got married and went on to have two more daughters, so I have two full sisters as well.

My reunion went pretty well, all things considered. Things moved slowly at first, which was probably for the best. I exchanged emails, texts, and phone calls with my mom and three of my sisters. It was an exciting experience finding all of our similarities in hobbies, interests, and talents. We were amazed at the striking resemblance in physical appearance. My sisters and I eagerly exchanged stories and photos. Late one night, I was going back through some pictures I had received when a strange feeling came over me. Instead of the joy and awe I had felt looking at them before, I became sullen. I was missing. If my life had continued on the path my conception started, then I would have been there with my sisters. We would have shared our lives together. I always wished I’d had sisters close to my age. Little did I know, I did have them. I just didn’t know them.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/the-importance-of-biological-siblings-a-case-for-open-adoption

What Should I Call My Birth Mother? An Adoptee's Perspective

Reuniting with birth family can be a wonderful experience. Of course there are little things after reunion that can be tricky to navigate. For me, deciding what to call my birth mother was a bit of a hurdle. At first, our communication with each other was fairly formal. We corresponded by email, and I addressed her by her first name, Betty. When we transitioned to texts, an in-person meeting, and phone calls, I still called her Betty.

It seemed odd to me to call my birth mother by her first name in front of my full biological sisters, so when I was around them I referred to her as “your mom.” “Did your mom tell you what happened last week?” I would ask. Over the next few months, I changed it to “mom” around my sisters. “Mom is coming to visit next month,” I said. All the while, I was still calling her Betty directly.

One day, I started calling her “mom” to her face, and that was that. There wasn’t an event or anything that caused the change. I think I just started seeing things differently. It was an evolution of thought on the matter. I had always imagined this huge separation between my adoptive parents and birth parents, when in reality the gap is not that big. It honestly just feels like I have two moms.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/what-should-i-call-my-birth-mother-an-adoptees-perspective

"Alexa, What Is Adoption?"

With all the different videos circulating on the internet of answers Alexa gives to questions, I started to wonder what she would say about adoption. I set out to ask a bunch of questions and, based on those responses, get an idea of how our society is currently viewing adoption.

I had never used Alexa before, so there was one thing I learned very quickly. Alexa doesn’t answer subjective questions, so when asked things like “Should I place my baby for adoption?” and “Which is a better option, adoption or abortion?” there was no viable response.

Once I figured out what types of questions she would answer, I asked a list of basic adoption questions.

Q: Alexa, what is adoption?

A: Adoption is….a legal proceeding that creates a parent/child relation between persons not related by blood. The adopted child is entitled to all privileges belonging to a natural child of the adoptive parents, including the right to inherit.

Q: Alexa, what is a birth mother?

A: Birth mother is usually defined as the woman who gives birth to a child, not necessarily the genetic mother.

Q: Alexa, what is a foster parent?

A: Foster parent is usually defined as a person who acts as a parent or guardian in place of a child’s natural parents but without legally adopting the child.

Q: Alexa, what is a closed adoption?

A: Closed adoption is usually defined as an adoption where the identity of the biological parents is kept as a secret from the child and the adoptive parents.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/alexa-what-is-adoption

5 Reasons I Put Off Searching for My Birth Parents

Children who are adopted start their adoption searches at differing ages. I didn’t search for my parents until I was 34. There are many reasons for that. If I’m honest, there are probably some I haven’t even consciously recognized yet. Sometimes the desire to search comes and goes. It ebbs and flows throughout different times in life.

1. Denial - I was raised to believe my connection to my birth parents was severed with my umbilical cord. When people ask if I wanted to know them, I would honestly answer “no.” I didn’t feel like there was anything missing from my life, so there was nothing to be found. Throughout my childhood, this is where my feelings on reunion sat.

2. Hopelessness - In a closed adoption the adopted child has little to no information. I had a case number, an attorney’s name, and a judge’s signature. Those were no help at all as all the court records are sealed. I had my date and place of birth along with a vague physical description of my biological parents. That information can seem pretty useless when you are looking for a needle in a haystack.

3. Fear of Intrusion - I had no idea how my parents’ lives played out after I was adopted. What if they had new families? What if my arrival upset them? What if I showed up as the family secret and disrupted their lives based solely on my curiosity?

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/5-reasons-i-put-off-searching-for-my-birth-parents

Why Adoptive Parents Shouldn't Fear Birth Parents

I am the middle child of three adopted girls. My sisters and I were never discouraged from talking about our adoptions or asking questions. Our parents enjoyed telling us our adoption stories. The topic was always open. There was, however, a heavily implied emotional response from our parents, especially our mom. We never wanted to get too far into it because we didn’t want them to feel as if they weren’t enough. Birth parentswere never put down in any way, but there was definitely an us vs. them type of mentality going on. We were basically taught that nurture was everything and nature didn’t matter. It was like us sharing our family’s blood meant nothing.

Now, I had a positive adoption experience growing up. I never felt negatively about my adoption or my birth family. I have been in many adoption forums and heard many different thoughts and perspectives from all around the adoption triad. I never wanted to search for my birth family until after I had kids. Later, I reunited with my biological family. If I had known, back when I was little, as much about families and adoption as I do now, I would have told my parents there was nothing to be scared of in regard to our birth parents. There is no reason to fear our connection to them. There is no reason to fear our curiosity. You are our parents. Period. I sometimes wonder though where that fear originated from.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/why-adoptive-parents-shouldnt-fear-birth-parents

5 Reasons You Should Support Your Children Searching for Their Birth Parents

1. Avoid resentment.

Don’t stand in the way of what your children want once they become adults. You have spent their whole lives loving and supporting them. Don’t stop now. They will need you now more than ever. Deciding to search for birth family is not easy. If you are unapproving, they may wait until it’s too late. In these situations, time is and always will be the enemy. If they search and their birth parents have already passed or they come down with an illness that could have been prevented, they may never forgive you. Your selfishness or fear may cause them to resent you forever.

2. Don’t force your children to carry guilt.

If you’re not supportive of your children’s searches, you will cause them to carry guilt around with them, which is an unfair burden. You may be scared you will lose them, but that’s not the way it works. They are not replacing you. They are adding pieces of history to their lives and answering questions they’ve always had. In fact, your lack of support may cause so much guilt that they may wait to search until after you have passed. Then the chances are great that their birth parents may have passed as well.

3. Don’t keep them from possible siblings.

No matter how you feel about children meeting their birth parents, most adoptees end up having biological siblings they want to have a relationship with. It’s not always the case, but often birth siblings have similar personalities and interests and really enjoy each other’s company. Both sides usually want to play a role as aunts and uncles to each other’s children. That can also quickly cure the adoptee not knowing anyone who looks like them. Adoptees should not be denied the opportunity to have a relationship with siblings based on decisions made for them many years ago.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/5-reasons-you-need-to-support-children-searching-for-birth-parents

Why Adoptive Parents Should Stay Out of the Nature vs Nurture Debate

I was raised to believe that only my looks and genetic factors came from my biological family. I was brought up knowing all I am and will be is based on my adoptive parents and how they raised me. It seemed to make sense at the time. I mean, after all, I was a baby when I was adopted, so they literally taught me everything I know. I just knew that nurture was everything until I realized it wasn’t.

Recently, I reunited with my birth family. I was quite surprised to learn that we had so much in common. My adoption papers said that my birth parents loved the outdoors. I always thought that meant they liked to go camping. I do not…at all. But that’s not what it was referring to. It really spoke to their love of the beach and being on the water. That fits me perfectly. I live in a different part of the state, and yet, I live ten minutes from the beach. I also married my husband on our boat in the Gulf of Mexico.

The women in my biological family are all very strong-willed and outspoken, just like me. I share my sisters’ love of music and ability to write. My oldest sister and I share the same parenting style. It’s more than just what relative’s nose I have or how tall I’ll be. There is so much history, more that transfers during birth than just DNA. There is a history that I always believed was insignificant.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/why-adoptive-parents-should-stay-out-of-nature-vs-nurture-debate

The Importance of Telling Your Child He is Adopted

Any time I hear a story about a late discovery adoptee it absolutely breaks my heart. I used to think that it was just horrendously deceptive and cruel to keep such an important secret from your child. As I have gotten older and have become a parent myself, my views have somewhat shifted. While I still think the situation would be terribly traumatic, I now realize it may be unintentional.

I’m sure at least for some parents, the time just slipped away from them. Imagine bringing a baby home from the hospital. You devote all of your time and love to him. He’s so tiny, and he doesn’t understand your words. Then the toddler years come, and your head is filled with the running total of how many green vegetables he had that week and how to keep him safe despite his curiosity. Those magical words “mom” and “dad” melt your heart every time you hear them. How do you explain the complexities of adoption to someone who can’t tie his own shoes?

As the child grows, time flies by and the words keep getting stuck in your throat. Before you know it, he is older than you wanted him to be, and you don’t want to hurt him. I understand how it can happen, but it’s your job to make sure it doesn’t. You can’t allow it too. When an adoptee learns later in life about his adoption, a horrible thing happens. He finds out his entire life has been a lie. Everything he thought he knew he no longer does. He can no longer believe or trust anyone who kept the truth from him. Someday, you may be able to move past it. He may forgive you, but I don’t see how he could ever forget. You have been blessed with the opportunity to raise a child. You shouldn’t jeopardize that relationship because you don’t know how to navigate the hard subjects.

READ FULL ARTICLE:https://adoption.com/the-importance-of-telling-your-child-he-is-adopted

5 Tools to Use During Your Adoption Search

1. Non-Identifying Information

If you don’t already have your non-identifying information, you need to get it. You can go to the .gov website of the state you were adopted in to get instructions on how to request the document. It should include some vague information about your birth parents, such as a physical description, level of education, and type of employment. The amount of information included varies greatly. I was fortunate enough to have my non-identifying information mixed in with my adoption paperwork. I always thought the information provided seemed pretty useless, but I ended up being very glad I had it.

2. Adoption Registries

Adoption registries are sites that allow both birth parents and adoptees to post information they have regarding the adoption in hopes of the other finding them. Some registries are passive meaning you must do all the work yourself. Active registries will contact you if your registration information produces a match. Registries allow you to search using very little information. If all you have is a birth date and location, then you can search with that. Most states have their own adoption registry. A quick Google search should locate the one for your state. There are many other registries as well. You can check out ISSR, ReunionRegistry, and G’s Adoption Registry. Be sure to write down all of the ones that you register with so you can keep your contact information up to date.

3. Facebook Groups

If have accumulated info on someone but you don’t know how to find them, you can always ask for help on Facebook. There are adoptee specific groups like Adoptee Central, and then there are search groups like Search Squad. I also joined DNA Newbie and DNA Detectiveswhen I sent my DNA sample into Ancestry. I used posts from members of the group as learning tools while I waited for my test to process. Don’t be shy if you need help with your search. There are plenty of people online who have been in your shoes and would love to give you some direction.

READ FULL ARTICLE HERE

Don't Put Off Adoption Search, Urges Adoptee

Thirty-four years ago, as an infant, I was taken home from the hospital by a family that was not my own. I was adopted by a couple who were unable to conceive children. I was raised in a loving environment with two sisters who were also adopted. I have known that I was adopted for as long as I can remember. Our parents had always told us that we were their chosen babies. I had a great childhood. Our mom stayed home to take care of us. I loved school. I was in Girl Scouts, and we participated in all of our church’s activities. My life always felt complete.

Sometimes, though, I would let my mind wander about my biological family. I had unanswered questions.

After I had children of my own, the need to know about my past grew. The only information I had been given was a vague physical description of my biological parents and what they did for a living. The adoption papers listed an older half sister from a previous marriage. I was pretty certain that searching with what little info I had would be hopeless.

I put my personal information on every adoption registry website I could find, just in case someone was looking for me. I just wanted to see pictures of them and find out how their lives had turned out. I worried that any searching I did would be an intrusion. I didn’t want to disrupt anyone’s life just to satisfy my curiosity. I pushed searching out of my mind, and the years passed by.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/dont-put-off-your-adoption-search-urges-adoptee

9 Things You Should Know Before Search For Your Birth Parents

I have been an active part of the adoption community for many years. I have heard all kinds of experiences when it comes to reuniting with birth family. Some of them are pretty crazy. The only consistent fact is that you have no idea what you are walking into. I am a firm believer in expecting the worst and hoping for the best. Here are some things that may help you prepare emotionally for reunion:

1. You may catch some grief from your adoptive parents for wanting to search.

This is not always the case. Some adoptive parents are very supportive of a reunion. Over the years though I have seen many wonderful parents inadvertently guilt trip their adopted children over a sense of their own insecurity. You might consider speaking with them to assuage any worries they may have.

2. Prepare a list of questions that are important to you.

Make the list now while your head is clear, and address the questions in the beginning stagesof contact in case the reunion is unsuccessful.

3. Not all reunions work out.

Unfortunately, reunions are not always like you see on TV. For all of the exceptionally joyous reunions, there are an equal number of utterly heartbreaking ones. Be prepared for anything.

4. Your birth parents may not still be living.

A lot can happen in two decades. This is why it is important not to wait if you are considering searching. My birth father passed away three days before I found my family.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/9-things-you-should-know-before-searching-for-your-birth-parents

Don't Blame Adoption: Sometimes People are Just Sad

I’ve learned over the years that there are two basic kinds of people when it comes to those who are touched by adoption. There are the ones who don’t dwell on the adoption and the ones who do. There are very few people who fall in between.

I, admittedly, am in the first group. I’ve even been accused of being in denial about my adoption, whatever that means. I was adopted at birth by a family who gave me a number of great childhood years, followed by some terrible years. I no longer speak to my adoptive parents. I am very excited to be in reunion with my birth family. I don’t, however, believe that being adopted affects my everyday life.

Before I started writing for an adoption website, I would go months at a time without even thinking about the fact I was adopted. The best way I can think of to explain it is that being adopted is about as significant to me as my having blonde hair. It’s a part of who I am, and some people could use that to describe me, but it’s not an ongoing significant topic. It means that I have a family dynamic that’s a little different. So do lots of other people for many different reasons.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/dont-blame-adoption-sometimes-people-are-just-sad

3 Ways Being Adopted is Like Having Amnesia

I was driving the kids to school the other day, and it occurred to me that sometimes being adopted is like having amnesia. We’ve all seen movies where someone wakes up from a coma and has amnesia. They are sitting in a hospital bed with lots of questions that need to be answered. That is kind of how adoptees feel sometimes. I am an adoptee who has been in reunion for about a year and a half. Being adopted and being in reunion both bring about situations and feelings that others can’t really get unless they have been there themselves. Here are some ways being adopted can be like having amnesia:

1. Not knowing who you are.

I mean, you know who you are in the sense that you are the person inside that body thinking those thoughts, but you don’t really see the whole picture. I thought I knew myself as an adoptee. I was independent. I was confident. I felt complete. But now that I am in reunion I am even more me than I was before. That doesn’t mean I was less before, just that I have all the pieces now that tie everything together. There are no more questions unanswered or doors left unopened. Now I know who I got which traits from and a full medical history.

You are made up of hundreds of tiny facts of choices and decisions that have been in your life. Adoptees hear a great deal about nature vs. nurture debate. What are we really made of? Recently I got the answer to that. It’s both.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/3-ways-being-adopted-is-like-having-amnesia

A White Sibling's Perspective on Transracial Adoption Part 2

In transracial adoption, you need to educate yourself on any differences between your own culture – and the culture of the child you’re adopting. You need to take care of your child in the same way that a person from their own race would. It’s not only a necessary part of who they are, but in some cases can also spare the child from ridicule.

My little sister is part Caucasian, part African American, and part Hispanic. When she was adopted into our white family she was treated exactly like the rest of us, to a fault. She had the most beautiful tight little curls in her hair which stuck straight up and out and all about. As she grew to be school-aged, I couldn’t understand why my mom wasn’t doing anything to tame it. She used the same hair products on my sister as she did on us, but they seemed to dry out her hair and cause frizz. Looking back as I write this, it occurs to me that she never once braided my sister’s hair, although I remember her frequently French braiding mine.
At the time my parents were unaware of her Hispanic heritage and they had no close African American friends. There was no internet back then for them to research with. So year after year they treated her the same as they treated us. Kids at school started to make fun of her and tease her about her appearance. In addition to her wild hair, her skin was often ashy. Once in a while someone would reach out to my mother with tips or suggestions. She would use the advice for a few days and get good results, but she would quickly slip back into old habits. My guess is that it just wasn’t that important to her; otherwise, she would have made it a priority.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/a-white-siblings-perspective-on-transracial-adoption-part-2

Don't Blame Adoption: Maybe It's Just Bad Parenting

I have spent over 15 years on adoption forums and in adoption groups and communities. There seems to be a recurring theme that is disturbing to me. I often wonder if I’m the only one who sees it. Some adoptees are blaming the negative things in their life on adoption while the examples they cite aren’t really adoption related at all. They complain about the many ways their parents weren’t good to them growing up. I’m not talking about those who experienced emotional or physical abuse. These complaints are just everyday rotten parent issues. Sometimes parents, adoptive and biological, just suck at being parents.

I get it. I was adopted. I no longer speak to either of my adoptive parents. They were not very good at being parents, especially not in the later years. That doesn’t have anything to do with my adoption though. Being a parent is difficult, and it doesn’t come with a set of instructions. I’m sure if it did, there would still be plenty of people who were bad at it. One problem is that a person doesn’t know whether they will make a good parent until they are one. By that point, it’s too late. That’s not the fault of adoption. That’s just life. Here are some examples I have seen blamed on adoption, but were actually just bad parenting.

1. My parents didn’t pay enough attention to me.

There are many causes of this. Parents can spend too much time working. They can become too involved in each other or themselves. Some parents just do not have what it takes to be a nurturing person. Others feel like as long as they are providing, they don’t have to do anything else.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/dont-blame-adoption-maybe-its-just-bad-parenting

The Ups and Downs of Finding Your Biological Family

All adoptees have a different story to tell. What may be true for one may be different for another. In my story, the ups greatly outweigh the downs. Still though, there are a certain amount of challenges involved in merging an adoptive family with a biological one. Unfortunately, there is no clear set of instructions to follow. You just have to do the best you can.

There are sure to be some ups and downs after finding your birth family. They will vary based on your story. I have been in reunion for a year and a half. Here are my ups, which may seem trivial to those who aren’t adopted:

I know my back story.

For many adoptees, their stories began at the hospital where they were born. That leaves a lifetime of speculation about what took place before that. For most adoptees, finding their birth parents gives them the details they need to understand what led them to that hospital to be adopted in the first place.

I have my medical history.

Adoptees often have medical history that is seriously lacking pertinent information. A lot can change in a family’s health over a couple of decades. It puts my mind at ease, especially when it comes to my kids, to know what runs in our family. Early detection is so important when it comes to the diagnosis and treatment of an illness.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/the-ups-and-downs-of-finding-your-biological-family

A White Sibling's Perspective on Transracial Adoption Part 1

Transracial adoption isn’t just adopting a child with a different skin tone than yours. There is a lot more to it than that, or at least there should be. When I was 11 years old, my parents decided to adopt a baby. My older sister and I were adopted, and my parents were getting older. They really wanted another child and decided to specify the sex of the baby this time around. They wanted a son to carry on the family name.

I remember sitting inside the adoption agency while my parents discussed the details. When they were asked about race they said they had no preference. The lady told them that she thought she had the perfect fit. She said she had a baby available with a white mother and a black father. She said the couple already had a couple of kids and couldn’t really afford to have any more. My mother was briefly handed a photo of the birth mother, an image that would be burned into my head forever. An ultrasound had already shown the child to be a boy. My parents agreed that was the child they wanted.
The issues of race started right there in that office before my sister was even born. The adoption agency got it wrong. My parents were told her father was black, but that wasn’t entirely accurate. Her birth father was actually half African-American and half Hispanic, a fact she didn’t learn until she was an adult. It’s important for adoptees to know their own ethnicity. The accuracy of that information should have been a priority.
At the hospital the day the baby was born, the ultrasound was proven wrong. The agency gave my parents the option to go with a different child, one who was a boy. They refused, adamant that she was the child they were supposed to have. She was the most beautiful baby any of us had ever seen. I loved her immediately. My parents took her home and spoiled her completely. She had all of the nicest things, and between the four of us she was hardly ever put down.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/allow-your-child-to-be-their-own-race