Why You Should Mentally Prepare Before Searching for Biological Parents

Most adoptees have little to no information about their birth family before their adoption journey begins. I have been personally involved in several searches, including my own, and I have watched many from afar in various adoptee groups. I have seen and heard all kinds of crazy adoption stories, and I’ve learned that it’s best to use the time during the search to prepare mentally for what you may find out.

You could find out that your birth mother was the victim of rape. You might learn that your birth parents already had six kids and couldn’t take care of another. Your birth mother may have wanted desperately to keep you, but her parents forced her to place you for adoption. Your birth father may have had an affair with your birth mother and threatened her to place you so as not to ruin his family. It’s possible that your birth father never knew you existed. Your birth mother may have been told that you passed away, but instead the hospital handled your adoption. I am not exaggerating when I say there are an endless list of possibilities. The interesting and strange part is that you never know which information will strike you emotionally until you hear it.

Take my case as an example. I had pretty much decided that I was ready to search, but I needed a DNA test. We live on a very tight budget. One of the adoption groups I’m in had donors giving away tests at Christmas. I got on the list but was contacted later and told that had run out of tests. They gave me the info of a different group to reach out to. I did, and they sent me an Ancestry DNA kit. I collected the sample and sent it back immediately.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/why-you-should-mentally-prepare-before-searching-for-biological-parents

The Importance of Biological Siblings: A Case for Open Adoption

I was adopted at birth in a closed adoption. I had an older sister whom my adoptive parents had adopted several years earlier. When I was eleven, my parents adopted another baby girl. We were pretty much your typical middle class family. I had a fun childhood. We went on some family vacations, and we moved around a bit. My parents were active in school and church. My sisters and I were not always the closest, but we love each other very much.

I got married, had two children, and stayed at home to take care of them. At thirty-four, I decided to search for my birth family. I had very little information to go on other than my non-identifying document. It listed the the level of education of my birth parents, general employment types, and a physical description. It also said my birth father had a four-year-old daughter when I was born. I chose to take a DNA test to aid in my search. About 5 weeks later, my results were in. With the help of a search angel, I learned the names of my birth parents and my FOUR biological sisters. My birth father passed away a few days before I found them. I have two half-sisters from my father’s previous relationships. A few months after my adoption, my birth parents got married and went on to have two more daughters, so I have two full sisters as well.

My reunion went pretty well, all things considered. Things moved slowly at first, which was probably for the best. I exchanged emails, texts, and phone calls with my mom and three of my sisters. It was an exciting experience finding all of our similarities in hobbies, interests, and talents. We were amazed at the striking resemblance in physical appearance. My sisters and I eagerly exchanged stories and photos. Late one night, I was going back through some pictures I had received when a strange feeling came over me. Instead of the joy and awe I had felt looking at them before, I became sullen. I was missing. If my life had continued on the path my conception started, then I would have been there with my sisters. We would have shared our lives together. I always wished I’d had sisters close to my age. Little did I know, I did have them. I just didn’t know them.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/the-importance-of-biological-siblings-a-case-for-open-adoption

What Should I Call My Birth Mother? An Adoptee's Perspective

Reuniting with birth family can be a wonderful experience. Of course there are little things after reunion that can be tricky to navigate. For me, deciding what to call my birth mother was a bit of a hurdle. At first, our communication with each other was fairly formal. We corresponded by email, and I addressed her by her first name, Betty. When we transitioned to texts, an in-person meeting, and phone calls, I still called her Betty.

It seemed odd to me to call my birth mother by her first name in front of my full biological sisters, so when I was around them I referred to her as “your mom.” “Did your mom tell you what happened last week?” I would ask. Over the next few months, I changed it to “mom” around my sisters. “Mom is coming to visit next month,” I said. All the while, I was still calling her Betty directly.

One day, I started calling her “mom” to her face, and that was that. There wasn’t an event or anything that caused the change. I think I just started seeing things differently. It was an evolution of thought on the matter. I had always imagined this huge separation between my adoptive parents and birth parents, when in reality the gap is not that big. It honestly just feels like I have two moms.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/what-should-i-call-my-birth-mother-an-adoptees-perspective

"Alexa, What Is Adoption?"

With all the different videos circulating on the internet of answers Alexa gives to questions, I started to wonder what she would say about adoption. I set out to ask a bunch of questions and, based on those responses, get an idea of how our society is currently viewing adoption.

I had never used Alexa before, so there was one thing I learned very quickly. Alexa doesn’t answer subjective questions, so when asked things like “Should I place my baby for adoption?” and “Which is a better option, adoption or abortion?” there was no viable response.

Once I figured out what types of questions she would answer, I asked a list of basic adoption questions.

Q: Alexa, what is adoption?

A: Adoption is….a legal proceeding that creates a parent/child relation between persons not related by blood. The adopted child is entitled to all privileges belonging to a natural child of the adoptive parents, including the right to inherit.

Q: Alexa, what is a birth mother?

A: Birth mother is usually defined as the woman who gives birth to a child, not necessarily the genetic mother.

Q: Alexa, what is a foster parent?

A: Foster parent is usually defined as a person who acts as a parent or guardian in place of a child’s natural parents but without legally adopting the child.

Q: Alexa, what is a closed adoption?

A: Closed adoption is usually defined as an adoption where the identity of the biological parents is kept as a secret from the child and the adoptive parents.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/alexa-what-is-adoption

5 Reasons I Put Off Searching for My Birth Parents

Children who are adopted start their adoption searches at differing ages. I didn’t search for my parents until I was 34. There are many reasons for that. If I’m honest, there are probably some I haven’t even consciously recognized yet. Sometimes the desire to search comes and goes. It ebbs and flows throughout different times in life.

1. Denial - I was raised to believe my connection to my birth parents was severed with my umbilical cord. When people ask if I wanted to know them, I would honestly answer “no.” I didn’t feel like there was anything missing from my life, so there was nothing to be found. Throughout my childhood, this is where my feelings on reunion sat.

2. Hopelessness - In a closed adoption the adopted child has little to no information. I had a case number, an attorney’s name, and a judge’s signature. Those were no help at all as all the court records are sealed. I had my date and place of birth along with a vague physical description of my biological parents. That information can seem pretty useless when you are looking for a needle in a haystack.

3. Fear of Intrusion - I had no idea how my parents’ lives played out after I was adopted. What if they had new families? What if my arrival upset them? What if I showed up as the family secret and disrupted their lives based solely on my curiosity?

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/5-reasons-i-put-off-searching-for-my-birth-parents

Why Adoptive Parents Shouldn't Fear Birth Parents

I am the middle child of three adopted girls. My sisters and I were never discouraged from talking about our adoptions or asking questions. Our parents enjoyed telling us our adoption stories. The topic was always open. There was, however, a heavily implied emotional response from our parents, especially our mom. We never wanted to get too far into it because we didn’t want them to feel as if they weren’t enough. Birth parentswere never put down in any way, but there was definitely an us vs. them type of mentality going on. We were basically taught that nurture was everything and nature didn’t matter. It was like us sharing our family’s blood meant nothing.

Now, I had a positive adoption experience growing up. I never felt negatively about my adoption or my birth family. I have been in many adoption forums and heard many different thoughts and perspectives from all around the adoption triad. I never wanted to search for my birth family until after I had kids. Later, I reunited with my biological family. If I had known, back when I was little, as much about families and adoption as I do now, I would have told my parents there was nothing to be scared of in regard to our birth parents. There is no reason to fear our connection to them. There is no reason to fear our curiosity. You are our parents. Period. I sometimes wonder though where that fear originated from.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/why-adoptive-parents-shouldnt-fear-birth-parents

5 Reasons You Should Support Your Children Searching for Their Birth Parents

1. Avoid resentment.

Don’t stand in the way of what your children want once they become adults. You have spent their whole lives loving and supporting them. Don’t stop now. They will need you now more than ever. Deciding to search for birth family is not easy. If you are unapproving, they may wait until it’s too late. In these situations, time is and always will be the enemy. If they search and their birth parents have already passed or they come down with an illness that could have been prevented, they may never forgive you. Your selfishness or fear may cause them to resent you forever.

2. Don’t force your children to carry guilt.

If you’re not supportive of your children’s searches, you will cause them to carry guilt around with them, which is an unfair burden. You may be scared you will lose them, but that’s not the way it works. They are not replacing you. They are adding pieces of history to their lives and answering questions they’ve always had. In fact, your lack of support may cause so much guilt that they may wait to search until after you have passed. Then the chances are great that their birth parents may have passed as well.

3. Don’t keep them from possible siblings.

No matter how you feel about children meeting their birth parents, most adoptees end up having biological siblings they want to have a relationship with. It’s not always the case, but often birth siblings have similar personalities and interests and really enjoy each other’s company. Both sides usually want to play a role as aunts and uncles to each other’s children. That can also quickly cure the adoptee not knowing anyone who looks like them. Adoptees should not be denied the opportunity to have a relationship with siblings based on decisions made for them many years ago.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/5-reasons-you-need-to-support-children-searching-for-birth-parents

Why Adoptive Parents Should Stay Out of the Nature vs Nurture Debate

I was raised to believe that only my looks and genetic factors came from my biological family. I was brought up knowing all I am and will be is based on my adoptive parents and how they raised me. It seemed to make sense at the time. I mean, after all, I was a baby when I was adopted, so they literally taught me everything I know. I just knew that nurture was everything until I realized it wasn’t.

Recently, I reunited with my birth family. I was quite surprised to learn that we had so much in common. My adoption papers said that my birth parents loved the outdoors. I always thought that meant they liked to go camping. I do not…at all. But that’s not what it was referring to. It really spoke to their love of the beach and being on the water. That fits me perfectly. I live in a different part of the state, and yet, I live ten minutes from the beach. I also married my husband on our boat in the Gulf of Mexico.

The women in my biological family are all very strong-willed and outspoken, just like me. I share my sisters’ love of music and ability to write. My oldest sister and I share the same parenting style. It’s more than just what relative’s nose I have or how tall I’ll be. There is so much history, more that transfers during birth than just DNA. There is a history that I always believed was insignificant.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/why-adoptive-parents-should-stay-out-of-nature-vs-nurture-debate

The Importance of Telling Your Child He is Adopted

Any time I hear a story about a late discovery adoptee it absolutely breaks my heart. I used to think that it was just horrendously deceptive and cruel to keep such an important secret from your child. As I have gotten older and have become a parent myself, my views have somewhat shifted. While I still think the situation would be terribly traumatic, I now realize it may be unintentional.

I’m sure at least for some parents, the time just slipped away from them. Imagine bringing a baby home from the hospital. You devote all of your time and love to him. He’s so tiny, and he doesn’t understand your words. Then the toddler years come, and your head is filled with the running total of how many green vegetables he had that week and how to keep him safe despite his curiosity. Those magical words “mom” and “dad” melt your heart every time you hear them. How do you explain the complexities of adoption to someone who can’t tie his own shoes?

As the child grows, time flies by and the words keep getting stuck in your throat. Before you know it, he is older than you wanted him to be, and you don’t want to hurt him. I understand how it can happen, but it’s your job to make sure it doesn’t. You can’t allow it too. When an adoptee learns later in life about his adoption, a horrible thing happens. He finds out his entire life has been a lie. Everything he thought he knew he no longer does. He can no longer believe or trust anyone who kept the truth from him. Someday, you may be able to move past it. He may forgive you, but I don’t see how he could ever forget. You have been blessed with the opportunity to raise a child. You shouldn’t jeopardize that relationship because you don’t know how to navigate the hard subjects.

READ FULL ARTICLE:https://adoption.com/the-importance-of-telling-your-child-he-is-adopted

5 Tools to Use During Your Adoption Search

1. Non-Identifying Information

If you don’t already have your non-identifying information, you need to get it. You can go to the .gov website of the state you were adopted in to get instructions on how to request the document. It should include some vague information about your birth parents, such as a physical description, level of education, and type of employment. The amount of information included varies greatly. I was fortunate enough to have my non-identifying information mixed in with my adoption paperwork. I always thought the information provided seemed pretty useless, but I ended up being very glad I had it.

2. Adoption Registries

Adoption registries are sites that allow both birth parents and adoptees to post information they have regarding the adoption in hopes of the other finding them. Some registries are passive meaning you must do all the work yourself. Active registries will contact you if your registration information produces a match. Registries allow you to search using very little information. If all you have is a birth date and location, then you can search with that. Most states have their own adoption registry. A quick Google search should locate the one for your state. There are many other registries as well. You can check out ISSR, ReunionRegistry, and G’s Adoption Registry. Be sure to write down all of the ones that you register with so you can keep your contact information up to date.

3. Facebook Groups

If have accumulated info on someone but you don’t know how to find them, you can always ask for help on Facebook. There are adoptee specific groups like Adoptee Central, and then there are search groups like Search Squad. I also joined DNA Newbie and DNA Detectiveswhen I sent my DNA sample into Ancestry. I used posts from members of the group as learning tools while I waited for my test to process. Don’t be shy if you need help with your search. There are plenty of people online who have been in your shoes and would love to give you some direction.

READ FULL ARTICLE HERE

Don't Put Off Adoption Search, Urges Adoptee

Thirty-four years ago, as an infant, I was taken home from the hospital by a family that was not my own. I was adopted by a couple who were unable to conceive children. I was raised in a loving environment with two sisters who were also adopted. I have known that I was adopted for as long as I can remember. Our parents had always told us that we were their chosen babies. I had a great childhood. Our mom stayed home to take care of us. I loved school. I was in Girl Scouts, and we participated in all of our church’s activities. My life always felt complete.

Sometimes, though, I would let my mind wander about my biological family. I had unanswered questions.

After I had children of my own, the need to know about my past grew. The only information I had been given was a vague physical description of my biological parents and what they did for a living. The adoption papers listed an older half sister from a previous marriage. I was pretty certain that searching with what little info I had would be hopeless.

I put my personal information on every adoption registry website I could find, just in case someone was looking for me. I just wanted to see pictures of them and find out how their lives had turned out. I worried that any searching I did would be an intrusion. I didn’t want to disrupt anyone’s life just to satisfy my curiosity. I pushed searching out of my mind, and the years passed by.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/dont-put-off-your-adoption-search-urges-adoptee

9 Things You Should Know Before Search For Your Birth Parents

I have been an active part of the adoption community for many years. I have heard all kinds of experiences when it comes to reuniting with birth family. Some of them are pretty crazy. The only consistent fact is that you have no idea what you are walking into. I am a firm believer in expecting the worst and hoping for the best. Here are some things that may help you prepare emotionally for reunion:

1. You may catch some grief from your adoptive parents for wanting to search.

This is not always the case. Some adoptive parents are very supportive of a reunion. Over the years though I have seen many wonderful parents inadvertently guilt trip their adopted children over a sense of their own insecurity. You might consider speaking with them to assuage any worries they may have.

2. Prepare a list of questions that are important to you.

Make the list now while your head is clear, and address the questions in the beginning stagesof contact in case the reunion is unsuccessful.

3. Not all reunions work out.

Unfortunately, reunions are not always like you see on TV. For all of the exceptionally joyous reunions, there are an equal number of utterly heartbreaking ones. Be prepared for anything.

4. Your birth parents may not still be living.

A lot can happen in two decades. This is why it is important not to wait if you are considering searching. My birth father passed away three days before I found my family.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/9-things-you-should-know-before-searching-for-your-birth-parents

Don't Blame Adoption: Sometimes People are Just Sad

I’ve learned over the years that there are two basic kinds of people when it comes to those who are touched by adoption. There are the ones who don’t dwell on the adoption and the ones who do. There are very few people who fall in between.

I, admittedly, am in the first group. I’ve even been accused of being in denial about my adoption, whatever that means. I was adopted at birth by a family who gave me a number of great childhood years, followed by some terrible years. I no longer speak to my adoptive parents. I am very excited to be in reunion with my birth family. I don’t, however, believe that being adopted affects my everyday life.

Before I started writing for an adoption website, I would go months at a time without even thinking about the fact I was adopted. The best way I can think of to explain it is that being adopted is about as significant to me as my having blonde hair. It’s a part of who I am, and some people could use that to describe me, but it’s not an ongoing significant topic. It means that I have a family dynamic that’s a little different. So do lots of other people for many different reasons.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/dont-blame-adoption-sometimes-people-are-just-sad

3 Ways Being Adopted is Like Having Amnesia

I was driving the kids to school the other day, and it occurred to me that sometimes being adopted is like having amnesia. We’ve all seen movies where someone wakes up from a coma and has amnesia. They are sitting in a hospital bed with lots of questions that need to be answered. That is kind of how adoptees feel sometimes. I am an adoptee who has been in reunion for about a year and a half. Being adopted and being in reunion both bring about situations and feelings that others can’t really get unless they have been there themselves. Here are some ways being adopted can be like having amnesia:

1. Not knowing who you are.

I mean, you know who you are in the sense that you are the person inside that body thinking those thoughts, but you don’t really see the whole picture. I thought I knew myself as an adoptee. I was independent. I was confident. I felt complete. But now that I am in reunion I am even more me than I was before. That doesn’t mean I was less before, just that I have all the pieces now that tie everything together. There are no more questions unanswered or doors left unopened. Now I know who I got which traits from and a full medical history.

You are made up of hundreds of tiny facts of choices and decisions that have been in your life. Adoptees hear a great deal about nature vs. nurture debate. What are we really made of? Recently I got the answer to that. It’s both.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/3-ways-being-adopted-is-like-having-amnesia