Why Adoptive Parents Should Stay Out of the Nature vs Nurture Debate

I was raised to believe that only my looks and genetic factors came from my biological family. I was brought up knowing all I am and will be is based on my adoptive parents and how they raised me. It seemed to make sense at the time. I mean, after all, I was a baby when I was adopted, so they literally taught me everything I know. I just knew that nurture was everything until I realized it wasn’t.

Recently, I reunited with my birth family. I was quite surprised to learn that we had so much in common. My adoption papers said that my birth parents loved the outdoors. I always thought that meant they liked to go camping. I do not…at all. But that’s not what it was referring to. It really spoke to their love of the beach and being on the water. That fits me perfectly. I live in a different part of the state, and yet, I live ten minutes from the beach. I also married my husband on our boat in the Gulf of Mexico.

The women in my biological family are all very strong-willed and outspoken, just like me. I share my sisters’ love of music and ability to write. My oldest sister and I share the same parenting style. It’s more than just what relative’s nose I have or how tall I’ll be. There is so much history, more that transfers during birth than just DNA. There is a history that I always believed was insignificant.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/why-adoptive-parents-should-stay-out-of-nature-vs-nurture-debate

The Importance of Telling Your Child He is Adopted

Any time I hear a story about a late discovery adoptee it absolutely breaks my heart. I used to think that it was just horrendously deceptive and cruel to keep such an important secret from your child. As I have gotten older and have become a parent myself, my views have somewhat shifted. While I still think the situation would be terribly traumatic, I now realize it may be unintentional.

I’m sure at least for some parents, the time just slipped away from them. Imagine bringing a baby home from the hospital. You devote all of your time and love to him. He’s so tiny, and he doesn’t understand your words. Then the toddler years come, and your head is filled with the running total of how many green vegetables he had that week and how to keep him safe despite his curiosity. Those magical words “mom” and “dad” melt your heart every time you hear them. How do you explain the complexities of adoption to someone who can’t tie his own shoes?

As the child grows, time flies by and the words keep getting stuck in your throat. Before you know it, he is older than you wanted him to be, and you don’t want to hurt him. I understand how it can happen, but it’s your job to make sure it doesn’t. You can’t allow it too. When an adoptee learns later in life about his adoption, a horrible thing happens. He finds out his entire life has been a lie. Everything he thought he knew he no longer does. He can no longer believe or trust anyone who kept the truth from him. Someday, you may be able to move past it. He may forgive you, but I don’t see how he could ever forget. You have been blessed with the opportunity to raise a child. You shouldn’t jeopardize that relationship because you don’t know how to navigate the hard subjects.

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5 Tools to Use During Your Adoption Search

1. Non-Identifying Information

If you don’t already have your non-identifying information, you need to get it. You can go to the .gov website of the state you were adopted in to get instructions on how to request the document. It should include some vague information about your birth parents, such as a physical description, level of education, and type of employment. The amount of information included varies greatly. I was fortunate enough to have my non-identifying information mixed in with my adoption paperwork. I always thought the information provided seemed pretty useless, but I ended up being very glad I had it.

2. Adoption Registries

Adoption registries are sites that allow both birth parents and adoptees to post information they have regarding the adoption in hopes of the other finding them. Some registries are passive meaning you must do all the work yourself. Active registries will contact you if your registration information produces a match. Registries allow you to search using very little information. If all you have is a birth date and location, then you can search with that. Most states have their own adoption registry. A quick Google search should locate the one for your state. There are many other registries as well. You can check out ISSR, ReunionRegistry, and G’s Adoption Registry. Be sure to write down all of the ones that you register with so you can keep your contact information up to date.

3. Facebook Groups

If have accumulated info on someone but you don’t know how to find them, you can always ask for help on Facebook. There are adoptee specific groups like Adoptee Central, and then there are search groups like Search Squad. I also joined DNA Newbie and DNA Detectiveswhen I sent my DNA sample into Ancestry. I used posts from members of the group as learning tools while I waited for my test to process. Don’t be shy if you need help with your search. There are plenty of people online who have been in your shoes and would love to give you some direction.

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Don't Put Off Adoption Search, Urges Adoptee

Thirty-four years ago, as an infant, I was taken home from the hospital by a family that was not my own. I was adopted by a couple who were unable to conceive children. I was raised in a loving environment with two sisters who were also adopted. I have known that I was adopted for as long as I can remember. Our parents had always told us that we were their chosen babies. I had a great childhood. Our mom stayed home to take care of us. I loved school. I was in Girl Scouts, and we participated in all of our church’s activities. My life always felt complete.

Sometimes, though, I would let my mind wander about my biological family. I had unanswered questions.

After I had children of my own, the need to know about my past grew. The only information I had been given was a vague physical description of my biological parents and what they did for a living. The adoption papers listed an older half sister from a previous marriage. I was pretty certain that searching with what little info I had would be hopeless.

I put my personal information on every adoption registry website I could find, just in case someone was looking for me. I just wanted to see pictures of them and find out how their lives had turned out. I worried that any searching I did would be an intrusion. I didn’t want to disrupt anyone’s life just to satisfy my curiosity. I pushed searching out of my mind, and the years passed by.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/dont-put-off-your-adoption-search-urges-adoptee

9 Things You Should Know Before Search For Your Birth Parents

I have been an active part of the adoption community for many years. I have heard all kinds of experiences when it comes to reuniting with birth family. Some of them are pretty crazy. The only consistent fact is that you have no idea what you are walking into. I am a firm believer in expecting the worst and hoping for the best. Here are some things that may help you prepare emotionally for reunion:

1. You may catch some grief from your adoptive parents for wanting to search.

This is not always the case. Some adoptive parents are very supportive of a reunion. Over the years though I have seen many wonderful parents inadvertently guilt trip their adopted children over a sense of their own insecurity. You might consider speaking with them to assuage any worries they may have.

2. Prepare a list of questions that are important to you.

Make the list now while your head is clear, and address the questions in the beginning stagesof contact in case the reunion is unsuccessful.

3. Not all reunions work out.

Unfortunately, reunions are not always like you see on TV. For all of the exceptionally joyous reunions, there are an equal number of utterly heartbreaking ones. Be prepared for anything.

4. Your birth parents may not still be living.

A lot can happen in two decades. This is why it is important not to wait if you are considering searching. My birth father passed away three days before I found my family.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/9-things-you-should-know-before-searching-for-your-birth-parents

Don't Blame Adoption: Sometimes People are Just Sad

I’ve learned over the years that there are two basic kinds of people when it comes to those who are touched by adoption. There are the ones who don’t dwell on the adoption and the ones who do. There are very few people who fall in between.

I, admittedly, am in the first group. I’ve even been accused of being in denial about my adoption, whatever that means. I was adopted at birth by a family who gave me a number of great childhood years, followed by some terrible years. I no longer speak to my adoptive parents. I am very excited to be in reunion with my birth family. I don’t, however, believe that being adopted affects my everyday life.

Before I started writing for an adoption website, I would go months at a time without even thinking about the fact I was adopted. The best way I can think of to explain it is that being adopted is about as significant to me as my having blonde hair. It’s a part of who I am, and some people could use that to describe me, but it’s not an ongoing significant topic. It means that I have a family dynamic that’s a little different. So do lots of other people for many different reasons.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/dont-blame-adoption-sometimes-people-are-just-sad

3 Ways Being Adopted is Like Having Amnesia

I was driving the kids to school the other day, and it occurred to me that sometimes being adopted is like having amnesia. We’ve all seen movies where someone wakes up from a coma and has amnesia. They are sitting in a hospital bed with lots of questions that need to be answered. That is kind of how adoptees feel sometimes. I am an adoptee who has been in reunion for about a year and a half. Being adopted and being in reunion both bring about situations and feelings that others can’t really get unless they have been there themselves. Here are some ways being adopted can be like having amnesia:

1. Not knowing who you are.

I mean, you know who you are in the sense that you are the person inside that body thinking those thoughts, but you don’t really see the whole picture. I thought I knew myself as an adoptee. I was independent. I was confident. I felt complete. But now that I am in reunion I am even more me than I was before. That doesn’t mean I was less before, just that I have all the pieces now that tie everything together. There are no more questions unanswered or doors left unopened. Now I know who I got which traits from and a full medical history.

You are made up of hundreds of tiny facts of choices and decisions that have been in your life. Adoptees hear a great deal about nature vs. nurture debate. What are we really made of? Recently I got the answer to that. It’s both.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/3-ways-being-adopted-is-like-having-amnesia