3 Questions To Ask Your Birth Parents During Your First Communication

I have known I was adopted for as long as I can remember. It wasn’t something that was announced one day. It was something my parents always talked about freely. I lived a happy life and was raised by a loving family. I was often curious about what had happened to my biological family. I wondered why they didn’t keep me. I wanted to know who in the family I looked like.

Most adoptees spend time thinking of what was or what could have been. A large number of them decide to search for their birth parents. Initiating that search is in no way a slight on the adoptive parents. It just means you want to know more about your story.

Once you have found your birth parents your mind will race and questions will abound. The details you hope for will seem endless. It can be very overwhelming at first. But there are really only three questions you need to focus on in the beginning.

Being in reunion is very much like cultivating a brand new friendship. You may have more questions than that, but they really don’t need to be tackled all at once. The rest can be answered over time. Here are the three questions you should focus on during your first communication.

1. Why did you place me for adoption?

This question has most likely been with you the longest. Birth parents make that choice for many different reasons. The most common are due to age, financial status, or lack of a support system. Be open-minded. We are living in a much different time now than when you were born. You may not necessarily agree with or understand the decision that they made. That’s okay, you don’t have to. If you want to develop a relationship with your birth parents, you will have to be able to accept it.

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Wanting To Find Your Birth Family Is Very Normal

Most adoptees wonder from time to time where they came from. They become curious about their roots. Plenty of adoptees seek out that information at some point. Where does that desire come from? Some would argue that humans have an innate need to know their origins. Some would call it a primal desire. I disagree. I don’t think that is the case at all. I think society unintentionally pushes us to the place where the questions live. I think it’s how we react individually to those nudges that affects our degree of need. People search for many reasons. Most adoptees search to fill a void in their life or because they are unhappy and wish to start anew. Most search out of sheer curiosity. Wanting to find your birth family is normal. It is a completely normal progression of events.

If the desire to know one’s past was inborn, then what of the late-discovery adoptees? They are on a seemingly average path, and then suddenly they learn they are not biologically part of their family. If they were born with such curiosity, wouldn’t they have suspected something was amiss all those years? That is not always the case. Most late-discovery adoptees are in complete shock when they find the truth. Then those around them start to ask questions, and the searching for answers begins.

I was adopted as an infant by a couple in a closed adoption. I just happened to look very similar to my adoptive mom. Everywhere we went people would comment. Standing in line at the bank a woman would say, “You know, you look just like your Momma.” Shopping in the grocery store a man would observe, “Well, if she isn’t the spitting image of you.” It was fine, really. We never corrected anyone. We just smiled and went on with our day. People didn’t know any better. To me, though, each time that happened it was a reminder that she was not actually my birth mother. The only times I ever thought about being adopted were in response to what others said or did.

Read FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/wanting-to-find-your-birth-family-is-very-normal

Adoption Strength

I am an adoptee. I am completely supportive of adoption. Every person and every situation is different. I may not understand the reasons one decides to place a child for adoption, but I always support the decision. I could never place a child. I am selfish when it comes to my kids. I was not in a good position financially when I had either of them. I have never been able to give them all the things that they asked for or take them all the places they wanted to go. That aside, I have always felt I am the best person to raise them. I don't feel like anyone can love them, take care of them, or protect them the way I can because I am their mother.

I recognize that is not always the case. I respect other people's choices not to parent. Despite my feelings as a mother I believe there is a tremendous amount of strength on adoption. The thought of taking a person who was physically attached to me for nine months and passing them to someone else is unbearable to me. In that position, that act would break me. It would end me. There would be no way to repair the shattered pieces of my former self. For those in open adoption, to see that child again and again would be like a knife stabbing me in the chest with every breath. I don't know where you find the strength, but I'm glad you do.

Read FULL POST: https://adoption.com/blogs/5917/adoption-strength/

Please Don't Make Me Feel Guilty For Wanting Contact With My Bio Family

Dear Mom and Dad,

I love you more than words could ever say. I am thankful and grateful for the life you gave me. It must take a lot to raise another person’s child as your own. I never, not even for one second, felt as though I didn’t belong to you. You were, are, and always will be my mom and dad. While I was growing up, the subject of my biological parents came up more than once. I always told you that I didn’t have any interest in finding them. I was telling the absolute truth.

After Jordan was born, I was told over and over again how much he looked like his daddy. I heard it from family, from friends, from total strangers. I wanted so much for someone to look like me. Over the next few years I allowed myself to wonder where I had come from. As a mother, I worried about the health of my child. What if some chronic illness had come about in the family since I was born. Was there something I needed to be watching for, testing for? What if by some freak chance he needed a donor match from someone on my biological side? I would never forgive myself if something like that came up and I wasn’t prepared.

My thoughts ran wild about what might have become of my family. Certainly their lives had changed over the last 30 years. Would it be possible to find them and see pictures without making contact? I didn’t need to talk to them. Seeing would be enough. I guessed my sheer curiosity was not enough. Who was I to poke around and risk disrupting their lives?

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/please-dont-make-me-feel-guilty-for-wanting-contact-with-my-bio-family