Using DNA To Find Your Birth Family, READ THIS FIRST

Adoptees are ruining their own reunions by recklessly handling their DNA matches. Reunions are delicate situations and should be handled as such. Just because you are excited by your results doesn’t mean you should bulldoze your way through them. You won’t do yourself any favors by contacting your matches prematurely.

When my search angel and I found my birth family, we careful chose which immediate family member to contact first. Here’s why: As an adoptee, you don’t know the answers yet. There are many different scenarios you could be walking into. Your birth mother may be the only person who knows about you, or she may have spent the last few decades trying to block out the pain of your adoption. There are endless possible scenarios. The point is that your immediate family will probably be much less excited about your arrival if you announce yourself with a bullhorn to all the extended family beforehand. Adoption and reunion are personal matters to be handled with care.

Some will argue that it’s your right to barge your way in and announce yourself to whoever will listen. That may be accurate, but as the saying goes, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. If you are looking for a long, meaningful relationship with your birth family, you should approach your reunion with caution and respect. You may be lucky and get an immediate family match as soon as you test, but that is often not the case.

So what do you do if your closest matches are cousin matches? First you need to educate yourself on what your matches actually tell you. Matches reflect a certain amount of centimorgans per a number of DNA segments. A half-sibling can show the same as an aunt/uncle, niece/nephew, or grandparent/grandchild. Likewise a half- aunt/uncle/niece/nephew or great-grandparent/great-grandchild may show as a first cousin. It’s important to create your own family tree of your matches so you can properly identify everyone. You can use the public trees of your matches as well as public records and social media to fill in your tree.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/using-dna-to-find-your-birth-family-read-this-first

What Non-Adoptees Don't Get About Growing Up Adopted

For most of my life, the only connection I had to my birth family was a few pieces of paper my adoptive parents claimed to have never seen.

I had a relatively normal childhood. After my parents divorced at the beginning of middle school, my mom had something similar to a nervous breakdown. I was saddled with raising my toddler sister for a few years, after which I became a very rebellious teenager. On a whim my mom moved us from North Carolina to Colorado. During an argument with my mother she basically disowned me. She threw a bunch of paperwork at me. It was my amended birth certificate and such. In my anger, I snatched up the papers, put them in my bag, and stormed out of the hotel room.

I caught a Greyhound bus back to North Carolina. On the 36-hour ride back, I went through the bundle of documents I had been given. I found all these things I had never seen before. I found my adoption papers and my non-identifying information. Non-identifying info is a vague description of one’s biological family. The letter included a half-sister who is four years older than me and that there were no known illnesses at the time of my birth. I found it quite shocking that I has not been made aware of them earlier, especially since I had always expressed a strong desire to know my medical history. Months later I confronted my parents with my adoption documents. They both looked at me like I had three heads. They both denied they had ever seen any of it before.

From that moment on the bus I knew those papers were the only thing still tying me to those who shared my blood. Until I had kids, I protected them above all else. If I moved, they rode in the car with me, not in the moving truck. I knew that the answers to the questions I’d had my whole life were locked away on that dried ink. To this day I still keep them with my most valuable possessions even though they lost their mystique the day I met my birth mother.

Non-Adoptees don’t understand because they have their documents. To get new ones they don’t have to jump through hoops like adoptees, only visit a clerk. And don’t get me started on original birth certificates. People who were not adopted take for granted their right to an original legal birth document. They can just drive to the health department and pick one up. Few states allow adoptees to access theirs at all. Adoptees are fighting every day to change laws to give them that basic right.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/what-non-adoptees-dont-get-about-growing-up-adopted

I'm Adopted and I Chose Not To Adopt. Here's Why

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. I’m not exactly sure why. It could have been because my mom did such an amazing job when I was little. Maybe I just wanted to be like her. It could have been because I didn’t know my biological parents. Maybe I wanted more for my child. Maybe somehow I thought I could do even better. I just knew that one day I would be a supermom to my flesh-and-blood children.

I had a happy childhood. It was full of happy times and fond memories. The family that adopted me was my “real” family. They were my life. I am not one of the many adoptees who always felt a part of them was missing. My desire to find my birth family came about much later in life.
I was always told how much I looked like my mother. It was true that we looked alike, sort of. We both had blonde hair, blue eyes, and fair skin. It was a close enough match that people never doubted the relationship. In response to comments about our “striking resemblance” we would just smile and nod. I didn’t usually think about my being adopted, but those comments always seemed to remind me there was no biological connection. When you are adopted, people will often tell you that biology doesn’t matter. They say you learn everything environmentally and that birth parents are simply DNA donors. I have found that to be incorrect.

I was 26 years old when my first son was born. Until that day I had never known a single person who was related to me. I didn’t know anyone who had my ears or my smile. I don’t regret that I was adopted. I wouldn’t trade my family for anything. As luck would have it, that beautiful baby boy looked exactly like his father. We share blonde hair and blue eyes, so it’s not as if we look like we don’t belong together. But, after all that, I was a smidge disappointed to hear people say daily, “He looks just like his Daddy.” Nevertheless he was healthy and happy. He was my one and only relation. We had the same blood running through our veins . . . almost. Leave it to me to have a child with a different blood type than my own. I resigned to the realization that I wasn’t meant to have family resemblance with anybody. We decided not to have any more children.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/im-an-adoptee-and-i-chose-not-to-adopt-heres-why

What You Need To Know About Positive Adoption Language

I have been a member of adoption groups and forums for years. The adoption world is quite different now than it was in the 80’s when I was born. Things are moving in a positive direction. For one, we are seeing a tremendous amount of open adoptions, which have been great for adoptees. They get to grow up knowing their family history and have their birth families as a part of their lives. Another big change is the adoption language being used. We currently live in a time where people are being more sensitive with their vocabulary. That’s a good thing, but not everyone got the memo that the wording has changed.

Here are a few key terms to be aware of:

“Real parents”

Somehow the term “real parents” is still being used. I am an adoptee, so this one probably annoys me the most. The parents who raised me, for better or worse, are my real parents. The parents who are related to me by blood are “birth parents” or “biological parents.” Those are the correct terms.
“Put up for adoption”
When a birth mother finds an adoptive home, she has decided to “place” her child for adoption. The phrases “gave up for adoption” or “put up for adoption” are no longer used. “Gave up” sounds like she has given up, which would be inaccurate. “Put up” originated during the Orphan Train Movement. From 1853 to 1929 trains took homeless and orphaned children from Eastern cities to the rural Midwest for adoption. The kids who did not have pre-arranged adoptions were “put up” on train platforms for selection.
“Keeping the baby”
If a expectant mother is exploring adoption and chooses not to proceed, she is not “keeping the baby.” She has “chosen to parent.”
“Can’t have their own children”
A couple who is unable to conceive should be referred to as “infertile.” It is not appropriate to say “they could not have children of their own.” Use of “their own” is considered discriminatory. It aims to differentiate between biological and adopted children. All of the children belonging to a parent are considered their own.
READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-talking-about-adoption-positive-adoption-language

Not My Adoption Trauma

I read an article a couple of years ago that really made my blood boil. It was about adoption trauma. I’m so tired of all the victimization. The article explained that the trauma is embedded in the DNA of infants before the adoption even takes place. Do I believe many adoptees have experienced trauma at some point? Yes. Do I believe in adoption trauma? Unequivocally, no.
The article discusses how much stress birth mothers must be under and how traumatic it must be for the infant to be given to a stranger. Let’s take a minute to define what we’re talking about when we use the word “trauma.” What is physical trauma? Physical trauma is defined by a serious injury to the body. I am not a doctor, but I’m sure an elevated heart rate, increased blood pressure, and increased cortisol levels don’t amount to a serious injury. What is psychological trauma? It is defined as damage to the mind that occurs as a result of a seriously distressing event. In order for a mind to be damaged, it would have to start off sound. There is no way to know when the mind of a baby is even whole enough to damage. Infants don’t even see steadily and in color until they are about five months old.
When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, my husband and I were struggling financially. We were both working all the time and juggling the responsibilities of our other son. We had a lot going on that we had to handle, and to say that I was stressed would be an understatement. I had all-day “morning sickness” starting at 12 weeks gestation. I lost more weight than I gained. It was so bad that I had to excuse myself from customers at work to go to the bathroom to get sick.
Being that physically ill for that long took a huge toll on my body. That sickness lasted the duration of the pregnancy. The doctor tried several different medications to stop it so I might gain weight. I had different allergic reactions to each, the last of which landed me in the emergency room with anaphylaxis.
READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/not-my-adoption-trauma-thoughts-from-a-not-so-victimized-adoptee

3 Questions To Ask Your Birth Parents During Your First Communication

I have known I was adopted for as long as I can remember. It wasn’t something that was announced one day. It was something my parents always talked about freely. I lived a happy life and was raised by a loving family. I was often curious about what had happened to my biological family. I wondered why they didn’t keep me. I wanted to know who in the family I looked like.

Most adoptees spend time thinking of what was or what could have been. A large number of them decide to search for their birth parents. Initiating that search is in no way a slight on the adoptive parents. It just means you want to know more about your story.

Once you have found your birth parents your mind will race and questions will abound. The details you hope for will seem endless. It can be very overwhelming at first. But there are really only three questions you need to focus on in the beginning.

Being in reunion is very much like cultivating a brand new friendship. You may have more questions than that, but they really don’t need to be tackled all at once. The rest can be answered over time. Here are the three questions you should focus on during your first communication.

1. Why did you place me for adoption?

This question has most likely been with you the longest. Birth parents make that choice for many different reasons. The most common are due to age, financial status, or lack of a support system. Be open-minded. We are living in a much different time now than when you were born. You may not necessarily agree with or understand the decision that they made. That’s okay, you don’t have to. If you want to develop a relationship with your birth parents, you will have to be able to accept it.

Read FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/3-questions-to-ask-your-birth-parents-during-your-first-communication/

Wanting To Find Your Birth Family Is Very Normal

Most adoptees wonder from time to time where they came from. They become curious about their roots. Plenty of adoptees seek out that information at some point. Where does that desire come from? Some would argue that humans have an innate need to know their origins. Some would call it a primal desire. I disagree. I don’t think that is the case at all. I think society unintentionally pushes us to the place where the questions live. I think it’s how we react individually to those nudges that affects our degree of need. People search for many reasons. Most adoptees search to fill a void in their life or because they are unhappy and wish to start anew. Most search out of sheer curiosity. Wanting to find your birth family is normal. It is a completely normal progression of events.

If the desire to know one’s past was inborn, then what of the late-discovery adoptees? They are on a seemingly average path, and then suddenly they learn they are not biologically part of their family. If they were born with such curiosity, wouldn’t they have suspected something was amiss all those years? That is not always the case. Most late-discovery adoptees are in complete shock when they find the truth. Then those around them start to ask questions, and the searching for answers begins.

I was adopted as an infant by a couple in a closed adoption. I just happened to look very similar to my adoptive mom. Everywhere we went people would comment. Standing in line at the bank a woman would say, “You know, you look just like your Momma.” Shopping in the grocery store a man would observe, “Well, if she isn’t the spitting image of you.” It was fine, really. We never corrected anyone. We just smiled and went on with our day. People didn’t know any better. To me, though, each time that happened it was a reminder that she was not actually my birth mother. The only times I ever thought about being adopted were in response to what others said or did.

Read FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/wanting-to-find-your-birth-family-is-very-normal

Adoption Strength

I am an adoptee. I am completely supportive of adoption. Every person and every situation is different. I may not understand the reasons one decides to place a child for adoption, but I always support the decision. I could never place a child. I am selfish when it comes to my kids. I was not in a good position financially when I had either of them. I have never been able to give them all the things that they asked for or take them all the places they wanted to go. That aside, I have always felt I am the best person to raise them. I don't feel like anyone can love them, take care of them, or protect them the way I can because I am their mother.

I recognize that is not always the case. I respect other people's choices not to parent. Despite my feelings as a mother I believe there is a tremendous amount of strength on adoption. The thought of taking a person who was physically attached to me for nine months and passing them to someone else is unbearable to me. In that position, that act would break me. It would end me. There would be no way to repair the shattered pieces of my former self. For those in open adoption, to see that child again and again would be like a knife stabbing me in the chest with every breath. I don't know where you find the strength, but I'm glad you do.

Read FULL POST: https://adoption.com/blogs/5917/adoption-strength/

Please Don't Make Me Feel Guilty For Wanting Contact With My Bio Family

Dear Mom and Dad,

I love you more than words could ever say. I am thankful and grateful for the life you gave me. It must take a lot to raise another person’s child as your own. I never, not even for one second, felt as though I didn’t belong to you. You were, are, and always will be my mom and dad. While I was growing up, the subject of my biological parents came up more than once. I always told you that I didn’t have any interest in finding them. I was telling the absolute truth.

After Jordan was born, I was told over and over again how much he looked like his daddy. I heard it from family, from friends, from total strangers. I wanted so much for someone to look like me. Over the next few years I allowed myself to wonder where I had come from. As a mother, I worried about the health of my child. What if some chronic illness had come about in the family since I was born. Was there something I needed to be watching for, testing for? What if by some freak chance he needed a donor match from someone on my biological side? I would never forgive myself if something like that came up and I wasn’t prepared.

My thoughts ran wild about what might have become of my family. Certainly their lives had changed over the last 30 years. Would it be possible to find them and see pictures without making contact? I didn’t need to talk to them. Seeing would be enough. I guessed my sheer curiosity was not enough. Who was I to poke around and risk disrupting their lives?

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/please-dont-make-me-feel-guilty-for-wanting-contact-with-my-bio-family

"Oh, I'm sorry."

Most adoptees have heard the phrase, "Oh, I'm sorry" at one point or another. I heard it a lot more as a child than I have as an adult. I'm not sure if that's because people are more cautious of what they say to one another now or if it's because so many more people are affected by adoption. My knee-jerk reaction to that has always been, "I'm not." I'm not sorry that I was adopted. I'm not sorry that I grew up where I did. I'm not sorry for the parents who raised me. I'm not sorry for my adopted siblings. I don't regret those things, nor would I change them.

Maybe when people hear the word adoption they picture an infant abandoned outside of a hospital. Maybe people associate adoption with a child who had bounced around from home to home in foster care. Those may be the stories of some adoptees, but those aren't my story.

Read FULL BLOG POST: https://adoption.com/blogs/5913/oh-im-sorry/

How You Can Access Your Original Birth Certificate In Your State

Adoptees are fighting all over the country to obtain their original birth certificates. When a child is adopted, his or her original birth record is removed from public record and replaced with an amended version with the adoptive parents names listed. Most states are reluctant to hand over the original as it breaks the confidentiality of closed adoption cases. The truth is that anonymity was never guaranteed to birth parents from the state. And with the growing popularity of DNA testing by adoptees, birth parents are being located without it. Here are the laws for accessing original birth certificates in your state as of August 2017:

ALABAMA:

Available to adoptees over 19.

A birth parent may submit a contact preference form to accompany the document.

ALASKA:

Available to adoptees over 18.

An adoptee or birth parent may submit changes of name or address to be attached to the original birth certificate.

ARIZONA:

Available to adoption triad by court order and only accessible to certified confidential intermediary.

ARKANSAS:

Available to adoptees over 21 after August 1, 2018

Certificates are subject to redaction.

CALIFORNIA:

Available by court order; available through the Mutual Consent Program.

COLORADO:

Available to adoptees over 18, adoptive parents of minor adoptees, sibling/half-sibling, birth parents, and legal representation.

CONNECTICUT:

Available to adoptees 18 years old, the adoptee’s adult child or grandchild, and if the adoption was finalized on or after October 1, 1983.

DELAWARE:

Available to adoptees age 21 or older if no denial was filed by birth parents. 

FLORIDA:

Available by court order only.

Read FULL ARTICLE: http://adoption.com/original-birth-certificate-in-your-state

DNA Is Becoming A Common & Effective Tool For Search and Reunion

Every day more and more adoptees are using DNA to find birth families. There are three types of testing available that may help. You can do a mitochondrial test for your direct maternal line, a Y-line for your direct paternal line (for males only), and an autosomal to reveal ethnic mix and find cousin matches. There are a few major companies that do DNA testing. Most adoptees use autosomal testing with good results. 23andMe does all three tests. Their company is known for specificity and medical information. Even if you are not looking to connect with family, adoptees can benefit from the medical aspect. The results are not diagnostic, but they do show genetic markers for certain health risks. Ancestry DNA is believed to have the largest database for establishing matches.

There is some healthy debate over which company to test with and where to transfer results to. Different people will have different preferences. If you can afford it, take all the tests. You will end up with the most information and the best possible matches. For many people, that is not an option. From all of the adoption circles I’m part of, it is widely believed that the best course of action for an adoptee is to take the Ancestry DNA test, and then upload the raw data to GEDmatch. GEDmatch accepts DNA from three leading testing sites, so doing so can result in more matches. It is a free service mainly focused on genealogy. This is the most cost efficient, and you can always take a different test later if you aren’t happy with your results.

Before you test, there are things you can be doing to further your search. Check your state laws to see if you have access to your original birth certificate. A handful of states have changed their laws so adoptees can obtain their birth information. If you live in one of those states, you may not need to go any further. Next, put your info on all the top adoption registries. You’ll want to use Reunion Registry, ISRR.org, and your state’s adoption registry. Then you need to get your non-identifying information, if you don’t have it already, from the agency or state who handled your adoption. Non-id info will include general information about your parents and sometimes your grandparents. There should be a physical description, approximate age, educational background, etc.

Up until about two years ago I thought that in order to find someone using DNA, that specific person had to have tested. Thankfully, that isn’t the case. Once you submit the test, it takes several weeks to process. When your test is finished, you will receive a list of matches. You want to look at close cousin matches, usually first and second cousin. The test measures how many centimorgans you share with someone per a number of DNA segments. Based on that, the test predicts a relationship. While it is possible to have a parent/child match right out of the gate, that is usually not the case. You will need to explore the public family trees of your closest matches. You can compare your non-id info with the people on those trees that fit into the time frame around your birth. You can use birth and death records, as well as property records and background checks, to fill in your family tree and provide contact info for relatives. Even if your matches are more distant, you still may have the info you need.

Read FULL ARTICLE: http://adoption.com/dna-search-reunion

3 Ways My Life Would Have Been Different With An Open Adoption

In 2016 I found my biological family. I found two full sisters and two half sisters. My father had just passed away. Open adoption wasn’t much of a thing the year I was born, so in 1982 I was placed with a couple in a closed adoption. They had already adopted one girl and went on to adopt another several years later. Looking back on my life, there are three main reasons why I wish I had an open adoption.

1. I would have grown up with my sisters.

I am very happy and grateful to have them in my life now. When I was spending time with them, they shared many photos with me that had been taken over the last few decades. When I looked at the pictures, they kind of made me sad. I didn’t just see my sisters in them; I saw that I wasn’t in them. I was missing. I wasn’t in the life I was meant to have. I should have seen those places with them and had those experiences with them. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good childhood. I grew up with siblings. I just didn’t grow up with all of them. I wouldn’t trade one life for another, but it would have been nice to grow up with access to my whole family, adoptive and biological.

2. I would have met my birth father.

By the time I found them, it was too late. I carry a lot of pain and regret that I never got to meet him. There is no way to get that time back. There is no way to know what type of relationship we would have had, but if my adoption had been open I would have at least known him. Maybe he would have been at my wedding. Maybe he would have met my kids when they were born. I was able to learn about my dad from my sisters, and they allowed me to participate in his memorial. I will never be able to fully express my gratitude for that. I just wish I had known him all along.

Read FULL ARTICLE: http://adoption.com/life-different-open-adoption

How To Comfort An Adoptee With A Failed Reunion

All adoptee reunions carry emotional weight. Unfortunately not all reunions end in happy tears and warm embraces like on TV. Every adoptee situation is unique. For every happy ending, there is one that is not so lucky. Helping someone through that experience can be difficult and should be handled with care.

When you hear the term “failed reunion,” most often you think of a family member who was found, but did not want to be found. That is a complete rejection of communication. Well there are many other types of failed reunions as well. Sometimes a parent is excited about the reunion and then after a few meetings, decides to discontinue contact. In some cases, the parent is happy to be found, but doesn’t want to tell the spouse or other children. The relationship is forced to continue for weeks, months, or even years before the parent halts all contact without an explanation.

No matter what experience happens, failed reunions can be quite devastating. For an adoptee, it can bring about feelings of abandonment. They can be made to feel like they are being rejected for a second time. Sometimes those emotions can spiral out of control, and it can be good for them to have a friend to lean on. I don’t pretend to know why people do the things that they do. I know it can be quite a shock to have someone show up out of the blue after many years. I also know there are two sides to every story. I’ve heard more than one tale of an adoptee being too eager and moving too fast, too soon and not respecting boundaries. However the story gets to that point, there are ways to heal.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/how-to-comfort-an-adoptee-with-a-failed-reunion

Adoption Is Not A Cure For Family Problems

I’m adopted, as was my sister before me. From my understanding, my parents were on a long waiting list before I came along. For years I pictured the demand for babies being much higher than the amount of available ones. When I was ten years old, my family moved from Pensacola to Miami following an opportunity for my dad’s business. In no time at all, his construction business was booming. We moved into a beautiful, rather large house and were able to buy pretty much anything we wanted. We went on frequent vacations and had nice cars.

It was no secret that my dad had always wanted a son. Aside from his fishing and racecar driving interests, he needed an heir to the family name. In my parent’s apparent blissfulness, they decided to adopt another child. This time around, they specified that they wanted a boy. I don’t recall it taking very long at all, and they were matched with a couple. Over the next few months there was lots of shopping and preparing. There was also a home visit or two. The big day came, and to everyone’s surprise, our baby boy was a baby girl. We brought her home and doted over her. She was the most precious, pampered baby I could imagine. We completely adored her. Just a few months later our world turned upside-down.

Some poor decisions had left our dad’s company in a tough spot. He had taken on some partners, and things had gone awry. He sat us down for a family meeting. He was very upset as he explained to us that there was going to be a trial. He said everything would be fine, but that there were some people who were angry and would probably say some pretty nasty things. He told us to pack up and head back to Pensacola for the duration. He said he would be along shortly afterward. We were well on our way to losing the house. The plan was to regroup once we were all together again.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/adoption-is-not-a-cure-for-family-problems

Teaching Your Child About "Real" Families

When I was born, I became part of my “real” family. It didn’t matter that it was made up of a married couple with adopted children. My family taught me about life and love. Through them I learned values and work ethic. All the times they ran me back and forth to school when I didn’t want to ride the bus and all the projects they helped me with showed me that family is dependable.

My dad had a rather large family, and every year on Christmas Eve we would get together with them to eat dinner and exchange gifts. We were always rushing to beat Santa to our house. Nights like that taught me that families are special, and it is important to make memories together. Families should follow traditions whether they were handed down from past generations or you make your own. By the time I was nine years old my mother had endured several surgeries and my grandfather had passed away. Going through those experiences taught me that family is there for you in both the good times and the bad.

Many years later when it was time to start my own family, I knew exactly how I wanted to be. I knew as parents we needed to be open and honest. I knew that we needed to lead by example, the way I had been taught.

The word “family” is defined by Merriam-Webster as “a group of individuals living under one roof.” There is no mention of biology, race, gender, etc. That is because you can make your own family with whomever you choose. You can raise children by yourself or you can find someone to share parenting responsibilities with. There are plenty of options when it comes to having children. You can have them biologically or via a surrogate. You can adopt from the United States or another country. None of these options make you any less of a family. It really doesn’t matter how your family came together or why. It doesn’t matter what your family looks like. The important thing is that you love and take care of each other. Family should lift each other up and encourage you to be your best.

Even though you can choose who is in your family, that doesn’t mean that family can be just anyone. I really don’t like to hear people being referred to as family who aren’t. That is not to say a mom or dad can’t have a friend who a child calls “aunt” or “uncle,” but the position must hold value. It seems our society has taken to calling every passerby “brother” or “cousin.” It’s too much. If everyone is called family, then it’s not special. Family should be the most important thing. It’s an elite group of people–your people. You shouldn’t trivialize it by extending it to everyone.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/teaching-your-child-about-real-families

What You Need To Know About Using a Search Angel

A time may arise during your search for family that has you ponder the need for help. It certainly did for me. I had taken an Ancestry DNA test and was unsure of how to use those results to find my biological family. When I submitted the test, I joined the Facebook groups DNA Newbie and DNA Detectives, so I could educate myself through other people’s posts while I waited.During that five weeks I learned enough about DNA connections to be happy when my results came in.

I knew what a search angel was, but I didn’t know where to find one. I didn’t have a computer at home or an Ancestry membership, but I did have access to a library. I decided to make a Facebook post and see if anyone had suggestions on how to move forward. The next morning I woke up to a message that would change my life. It read in part, “I’d be happy to lend a hand if you’d like. If interested, let me know, and I can provide next steps. I have some time this weekend and can use my account to help build trees using your cousin matches.”

I sent her my non-identifying info from my adoption records, gave her access to my DNA profile, and she went to work. By that night, she had found my family.

It doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes the information isn’t found easily, other times it only takes an hour or two. In rare instances, your puzzle may be beyond what an angel can piece together. There are a few things you should know if you decide to let a search angel work on your case.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-using-a-search-angel

Why I'll Never Stop Fighting For Adoptee Rights

As an adoptee, my birth certificate lists my adoptive mom and dad as the parents I was born to. The document does not say anywhere on it that it was amended. It looks the same as an original birth certificate (OBC). I have always known my adoptive parents were on it, and I thought it seemed necessary for it to be that way. It made sense that it was needed to enroll me into school and to seek medical treatment. I wrongly assumed that it was the only birth certificate I had ever had.

Just last year I learned that when a child is born, the birth certificate always lists the biological mother and, if known, the biological father. That OBC is filed with the clerk of court where the document remains public record until the child is adopted. When the adoption is finalized, the OBC is sealed and replaced with an amended birth certificate. The newly created record is given to the adoptive family.
The intention of the law supporting amended birth certificates originated to protect adoptees from the stigma of illegitimacy and to protect adoptive parents from disruptions by birth families. We don’t live in the same society anymore. It should be illegal for the government to take a document that legally belongs to me and make it unattainable. This disgraceful practice is wrong. Having your birth parents’ names is the key to your identity. You can use that information for many things, including finding out if you are related to the person you are going to marry.
Some biological families are using confidentiality as a platform to keep us from passing laws to correct this. The truth of the matter is that they may have hoped to keep the adoption of their child a secret, but such legal guarantee of privacy was never given. In some instances the birth families want to be located. In others, the adoptees are not interested in a reunion at all. The government has no place refereeing relationships between consenting adults.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/never-stop-fighting-for-adoptee-rights

The Kung Fu Panda Series and Adoption

The Kung Fu Panda series has a great subplot about adoption. Many children’s movies have tackled the subject of adoption, but this one is unique in that it follows the whole evolution of an adoptee. For a vast number of adoptees this series mimics their own lives.

In Kung Fu Panda, the lead character is Po. He is a panda, and his father, Mr. Ping, is a goose. Po is obsessed with kung fu and finds himself fighting alongside the Furious Five (a group of highly trained masters) to protect the Valley of Peace. During the chaos, he is chosen to be the Dragon Warrior and to fulfill ancient prophecy. This is shocking to everyone, even Po. There is no mention of adoption in the first movie other than through suggestion and innuendo. This seems very appropriate to me. For lots of adoptees, like myself, being adopted wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t something that we dealt with daily. Our parents were ours because they raised us, and it didn’t matter that we didn’t look like them. That was just ordinary life.

In Kung Fu Panda 2, Lord Shen has returned from many years of banishment to wreak havoc once again. Upon seeing Shen, Po has a vision of his mother. He goes to Ping to seek out answers. His adoptive father tells him that he was abandoned on the doorstep of his noodle shop as a baby. Po later learns that the only way to defeat Shen is to find inner peace. This sets him out on a journey to find out the truth about his past. Throughout the movie, Po’s flashbacks tell the story of how Shen had attacked the area long ago. The pandas had fled to survive. His mother had hidden him and led the enemy away before being killed. Toward the end, Lord Shen asks Po in desperation why he has not been emotionally beaten. After all, he had killed his mother. Po answers, “You’ve got to let go of that stuff from the past, Shen, because it just doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now.”

I have never heard a truer statement. Whether you knew about your adoption from the beginning or you found out about it later, it doesn’t matter. Whether your childhood was terrible or wonderful, it doesn’t matter. You can’t let your life determine your future. It’s what you do with yourself as a person now that matters.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/the-kung-fu-panda-series-and-adoption

My Birth Father Passed Away Before I Found Him

Over the years, I went back and forth on the decision to search for my birth parents. I considered many different scenarios. What if they didn’t want to be found? What if I found them and they felt some attachment to me that I didn’t feel for them? I never understood the reunions on television. Why were those strangers hugging and crying? If they didn’t know each other, could they really feel like family? I guess I waited too long to make my decision. In April of 2016 I got a devastating surprise.

As I awaited my Ancestry DNA results, I tried to mentally prepare for the worst. I was excited to find that I had some good matches. While trying to figure out how to navigate the DNA, I was offered the help of a search angel. The next few days were emotionally overwhelming. My results had come in a little earlier than I expected, so day one of my search was also moving day. My angel charged full speed ahead, occasionally sending me a name to search for or a record to find. While I did help some, I felt terrible that I was basically absent from my own search. I didn’t have any idea what I was doing though. The whole thing made my head spin. By that evening, she had narrowed my tree to my birth parents. We found some email addresses and Facebook pages for different members of the family. We discussed my options for making contact. I decided to send out a few emails and Facebook messages. I waited impatiently for a couple of days. Not knowing if the correspondence would be received, we started formulating a backup plan.

My angel offered to act as an intermediary, so we decided she would make a phone call to my paternal grandmother. I went about my day shuffling boxes around, unpacking, and tending to sick kids. I tried not to hold my breath. I didn’t know what time the call would be made or if anyone wound answer on the first attempt. A while later I got a very short message saying that she had spoken with her and for me to let her know when I had some time to talk. There was something about her tone that just seemed off. I told her I was ready.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/my-birth-father-passed-away-before-i-found-him

Adoptee Stigmas That Are Not True

“Oh, I’m Sorry.”

For as long as I can remember, anytime it came up that I was adopted, whoever I was talking to would always come back with, “Oh, I’m sorry.” My first immediate thought was, “I’m not.” It was as if somehow being adopted was a negative thing. I’m not sure if people thought I had been abandoned by my parents or if it was assumed I had bounced around in foster care first. I never thought of my adoption as my biological parents not wanting me, but more that adoptive parents really, really wanted me. The act of adoption is always a good thing. It means you are getting a family to take care of you when another one couldn’t.

“Do You Know Who Your Real Parents Are?”

This almost always directly follows, “Oh, I’m sorry.” My immediate thought was, “As opposed to my fake ones?” My adoptive parents are my real parents. They were real at the hospital where I was born. They were real at the church where I was christened. They were real by my side when I had my tonsils removed. They were real for all the cooked dinners and help with homework. They are real just as much as your parents. Once I stepped over their ignorance and corrected “real” to “biological” I would answer, “No.” I didn’t have any desire to find my birth family back then. My life was completely fulfilled. That’s not to say that if I had wanted to find them, it would have been because I was unfulfilled. As an adult, having found them, I still have no real and fake parents or first and second parents. I don’t feel like one is more or better. Now I have two moms and two dads. There are a multitude of reasons why an adoptee would or wouldn’t choose to find biological family. All of those reasons are personal.

“Your Parents Didn’t Want You.”

It’s no secret that kids can be mean-spirited. While I never heard this one directly, my older sister heard it from our cousin when they were little. She responded with, “My mom and dad chose me, yours got stuck with whatever came out!” There are many reasons children are placed for adoption. You can’t assume what someone else went through. On this, I am guilty myself. In my non-id paperwork it listed my mom as being approximately 25 years old when I was born. I wrongly assumed I must have been the product of an affair. Why else would a grown woman have placed her child for adoption? I was way off. Not only were my parents in a committed relationship, but they went on to get married and have more children. It just wasn’t the right time for them to have me, so they found a family who was ready for me. Never assume anything.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/the-adoptee-stigmas-that-are-not-true

Life Isn't Perfect In An Adoptive Family

Families are complicated. More and more we see different types of blended families. No matter who makes up your family or how your family is made, I assure you it will not be perfect. It is no different for adoptees. Perfection is unreachable. Families don’t need perfection; they just need love.

I was adopted as an infant. My early childhood was seemingly uneventful. My mom was a member of the PTA. I was in Girl Scouts with my mom as my troop leader. We participated in all the activities that went on at our church. My dad worked a lot, but he still found time to spend one on one with me. During all of that there were still imperfect times. The emergency room staff knew me by name. I was a clumsy child. I was always getting injured running or climbing somewhere I shouldn’t have been. That led to plenty of stitches and often a dislocated shoulder that needed to be popped back into place.

Every year my church held a father/daughter banquet. It was a big deal for me and my dad. One year though, he was so busy with work that he sent an employee of his in his place. Talk about crushed. Then there were the handful of times my mom got busy with errands or chores and forgot to pick me up from school. I got to be the last child standing with the teacher at the end of the day. As a parent now, I know there are times when those types of circumstances are unavoidable. Such is life.

The truth is humans are flawed. We make mistakes. Life happens to us, and we sometimes act in unexpected ways.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/life-isnt-perfect-in-an-adoptive-family

Your Emotional Toolkit For Successfully Navigating a Search and Reunion

Before embarking on any new emotional journey, it is important to take a personal inventory. You should consider what expectations you have and where you stand emotionally. There are steps that you can take to promote a successful search and reunion.

Be Ready

It took years for me to reach this step. I had always been curious about who I looked like and what happened to my family. That curiosity grew after I had kids. I wanted to know the whole reason behind why I was placed for adoption. I thought there was no way I had enough information to find anyone. I assumed that no one was looking for me because my info had been on all of the registries online for years. I finally reconciled with myself that I had a right to search for my bio family. You also have that right. You absolutely have the right to know where you came from. You have the right to know your medical history. It took me years to stop worrying about the possibility of disrupting someone else’s life and focus on what was right for me. Work out your issues and be ready to search. When you’re ready, you’ll know.

Be Willing

You have to be willing to do what it takes. You have to put yourself out there. You will feel vulnerable, but that’s OK. It’s part of the process. I had to be willing to take a DNA test. Then I had to admit to myself that I was in over my head with the results and seek help. Once my search angel found my family, I had to be willing to make contact. If you are not ready to do that, you are wasting the energy you have invested. You can’t find all of your answers without making this move. I had to email several different addresses that we found for my birth mom. I got anxious and impatient not knowing if she had received any of them. My search angel and I decided that she would place a call to my paternal grandmother. It was a great first step. You have to be willing to go for it.

Be Prepared

When you get to this point, you have to be prepared for anything. There is an endless list of possible scenarios you may have to face. No matter what you find out you must remain strong. Remember who you are as a person. None of the info you discover defines you. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Before we made contact I had to be emotionally prepared to be rejected by my family. I knew that was a possibility, so I prepared a list of things I wanted to say and questions I wanted to ask. You might only get one shot.

Prepare to be shocked. I found out that my biological dad had died three days before I found them. I found out that my parents had gotten married four months after I was placed for adoption. They went on to have two more children before getting a divorce several years later. I ended up with two full sisters and two half sisters. My emotions were all over the place. I was sad, angry, and confused. I realized though, that all of that happened a long time ago. My father’s death solidified how short life is and that we need to make the most of it.

READ FULL ARTICLE:

https://adoption.com/your-emotional-toolkit-for-successfully-navigating-a-search-and-reunion

How I Bonded With My Adoptive Parents

My dad had always wanted a boy to carry on the family name. He loved fishing, hunting and sports. I was admittedly a tomboy. I loved jeans and t-shirts and climbing trees. Dad started calling me Billy any time we participated in boy activities. If I handed him tools while he worked on the car, I was Billy. When we watched Nascar races on Sunday, I was Billy. When he was baiting my hook, I was Billy. I always acted like it annoyed me, but secretly I loved it.

The bond a child has for a parent doesn’t occur with a flash of light or confetti falling from the sky.

One morning when I was 8, my dad woke me up to go fishing at 4 am. It was still dark outside. He drove me to the next town over to fish at my uncle’s pond. As we sat on the bank waiting for the fish to bite, I noticed a water moccasin at the far end of the pond. It swam back and forth on the backside, and I took pictures of it with my disposable camera. We had caught a few catfish before I noticed that I had lost track of the snake. My dad leaned over the four-foot drop-off to see if it had come over by us. Just then, the moccasin lunged straight up out of the water at his face! Dad fell backwards just in time not to get bitten, but the expression on his face made me laugh so hard I cried.

In 1992 I was 10 years old. Batman Returns had been released in theaters, and it was awesome! My cousin and I were close in age and spent most of our free time together. My mom had always made my costumes for Halloween. They looked better than the store bought ones. They were more original and better quality. That year when she asked us what we wanted to be there was no hesitation…Batman and Catwoman. I had been a baby, a nurse, a cat, but boy, that year was going to be special. I watched as my mother measured, pinned and cut the vinyl fabric. She transformed it into the coolest, most amazing costume I had ever seen. I looked like I had just stepped off the movie set, and I felt like a million bucks.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/how-i-bonded-with-my-adoptive-parents

Hello

I am a wife, mother of two crazy boys, freelance writer, and Staff Storyteller for Adoption.com. I believe in an adoptee's right to have his or her original birth certificate. I was in a closed adoption in 1982 in Florida. I was raised with two adopted sisters. I used Ancestry DNA to find my biological family.

Over the last several years I have seen many articles describing adoptees as victims. Undoubtedly, there are cases of abuse. However, I wholly disagree that the separation of a mother from a baby does lifelong damage. I hope my writing can shed light on the other side of adoption.

This will be a place for me to store all the articles I have written. I'll touch on the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'll also share thoughts on various topics from an adoptee's perspective. Feel free to look around.