What If I Can Never Be Reunited with My Birth Child?

The thought of never seeing your child again can be truly heartbreaking. Knowing that he or she turned out okay can be a very comforting thing. Without that, you may feel lost in your circumstances. Being able to have a relationship with that child may be something that has been in the back of your mind for a while. It’s easy to understand that with all of the happy reunion stories you see in the news from people using DNA sites to find their families. Even though DNA tests are helping droves of adoptees to find birth family, there are still adoptees who don’t know how to use their results to find answers. Some of those people don’t know where to turn for help, so they simply think their matches aren’t close enough to be useful. It makes it really easy if your DNA is already on file, and it pops up as a match right away. One day your child may come looking for you. I am a firm believer in expecting the worst and hoping for the best. Don’t give up hope. You may see your child again, or you may not. But it’s not over until it’s over.

As an adoptee, I can tell you that it is likely that your child went on to have an amazing life. I can’t tell you why some adoptees choose to search for their birth families and some don’t. It’s a completely different experience for everyone. I looked for mine after I had kids because I wanted to know more about where I came from. I didn’t know if I would want a relationship when I found them, but I knew that I wanted to learn more. Even adoptees who decide not to search usually hold a special place in their hearts for their birth parents.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/what-if-never-be-reunited-my-birth-child

10 Tips That Will Make You Better at Child Communication

Good communication between a parent and child is one of the most important gifts in life. When done correctly, the seeds you plant when your children are small will continue to bloom throughout their lives. Here are 10 tips to improve your parent/child communication:

1. Listen to your kids. I mean really listen to them. Oftentimes, kids don’t articulate their needs well. You need to analyze their overall behavior to get an idea of what is going on with them. Sometimes the most important details are in the words that weren’t spoken. Pay attention to topics that come up frequently. That may indicate an area that a child needs help with but doesn’t want to ask for.

2. Ask them questions. Be interested in your children’s lives. When they tell you stories, ask for more information. You can inquire about their daily activities and friends without seeming nosy and overbearing. You don’t need to be best friends with your children, but you do need to purposefully stay involved, especially as they get older.

3. Be available to them. An open line of communication is crucial for successful parenting as well as safety. Let your children know that they can come to you with anything, even with the things they expect you will be upset about. It’s important that they always feel comfortable being honest with you.

4. Don’t judge them. There comes a point when your children are no longer tiny versions of you. They grow into their own people, and although you may influence their lives, you are no longer in control of them. I guarantee they will make decisions you do not agree with. There will be times when they ignore your advice. Let them be independent and love them for who they are, not what they do.

5. Let them make mistakes. Do you remember when you were younger? You didn’t learn well from other people’s mistakes, and they won’t either. Give them all the tools you can to make good choices. When they don’t use them, don’t say, “I told you so.” Be there to show your support and help brush them off.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/10-tips-will-make-you-better-child-communication

What Is an Adoption Forum and Why Should I Care?

An adoption forum is an online community for anyone whose life has been touched by adoption. It is a great place to have questions answered, get advice, and have discussions with others who can relate to your situation. An adoption forum can be an awesome resource to find accurate information and relatable experiences.

Adoption forums can have many different sections for all sorts of different circumstances. Ones for adoptive parents, birth parents, hopeful adoptive parents, and foster parents give helpful insights. These sections provide a space to ask each other for advice, seek out parenting resources, or simply get support after a bad day. Parenting from any angle is not an easy task, and forums help build each other up for the benefit of everyone.

Some forums are dedicated to international adoption. Adopting from another country can be a long, stressful process. You might find one specifically centered around the country you chose to adopt from. You can get tips and suggestions from parents who have been through the process before. Parents can support each other through the ups and downs of their international adoption journey.

Search and reunion forums are helpful for adoptees and birth families. Each party can get advice on how to best proceed with their search. The forum members also provide emotional support for each other during the reunion process and afterwards. Many people assume that a reunion is the end of a journey, but often it’s only the beginning. An adoption forum offers a place for people to be open and honest about their feelings without fear of judgment.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/what-is-adoption-forum-why-should-i-care

3 Reasons to Tell Your Adopted Child His Birth Mother Was Addicted to Drugs

It’s never fun being the bearer of bad news, especially when it involves your child. You don’t want to see that look in his eyes that reflects disappointment or pain. Sometimes as parents though we have to do the hard jobs, the ones no one else wants to do. If your parenting journey involves an adopted child, you must decide whether or not to tell him the secrets of his past. You may have to tell him that his birth mother was addicted to drugs. It may seem easier to sweep all that under the rug and consider it irrelevant. Sparing your child that conversation may feel like the right thing to do, but it’s not. When your child grows into an adult, you have a responsibility to tell him. Here’s why.

1. It’s his story. No matter how sad or devastating his adoption story may seem to you, it belongs to your child. That story is part of his past, and therefore, a part of his identity. All of who a person becomes is made from the tiny details that have occurred over a lifetime. Also, knowing his birth mother was addicted to drugs may go a long way in his reconciliation of why he was placed for adoption. It’s a big deal to an adoptee to know the reason why a birth parent chose not to parent him. Being addicted to drugs is a reasonable explanation.

2. It’s his future. Society has been going back and forth for years about whether drug addiction is a disease or not. Some say it’s hereditary, while others disagree. I’m not going to get into that debate, but I will say that it should be up to your child to decide how to use that information. He may want to watch his substance consumption for possible signs of addiction. He may choose not to drink at all in light of the situation of his placement. It’s also possible that the news won’t change his behavior at all. The point is that it’s his decision to make.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/3-reasons-adopted-child-birth-mother-addicted-to-drugs

Why Choose Adoption Over Abortion

Finding yourself pregnant unexpectedly can seem devastating. There are many reasons you may end up that way. Whatever the reason is, it can feel extremely lonely even if you are not alone. Matters can get especially complicated if you have differing views than your family or friends. It may seem unfair, and you may just want it to go away. Unfortunately, genies don’t exist. You have to choose where you go from here, and it must be a decision you can live with.

Very simply put, adoption is a beginning and abortion is an end. Choosing to end a pregnancy is a very personal choice. It is one that has always been and will always be argued. When you make that choice, you will go to a bright, cold clinic. You will have a doctor remove that baby from your body, successfully ending his life. You are in pain and bleeding until your body recovers. Then you are free to resume your life, as it was before, like it never happened.

When you make the choice to place your baby for adoption, you will go to a bright, cold hospital. You will have a doctor deliver that baby from your body, successfully beginning his life. You will feel like your heart is being ripped from your chest as they give the baby to someone else. You will find some semblance of comfort in the knowledge that you handpicked the people who would be the best parents for him. That is only the beginning.

The mom and dad you matched with your birth son will feel immense joy in every smile that boy gives. They will beam with pride at his first steps. As he grows, he will touch the lives of everyone around him. He will be Sally’s first kiss and Mr. Pearson’s favorite student. He’ll be the winner of the third-grade spelling bee. He’ll have siblings, friends, coaches, and classmates. He will be unique and special to all those who love him, and he’ll make mistakes because he is human.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/why-choose-adoption-over-abortion

A Life Taken, A Life Given

*GUEST POST by my sister Kristina Wood

On March 28th, 2016, our dad passed away only four months after being diagnosed with cancer. This was the first time I met my oldest half-sister. Bittersweet as it was, I was grateful for the opportunity to meet her, and it was like we had known each other all our lives. Three days later, still grieving the loss of my dad, I was at home standing on the balcony of my upstairs apartment as the sun was setting when my phone rang. My mom sounded upset and told me that something from her past had come to light. I stood there with my mouth hung open as my mom told me that five years before I was born, she and my dad had a baby girl that they placed for adoption.

I quietly listened to her pour out her heart and was patient while she laid down her burdens of guilt, shame, and fear. Taking a deep breath, I assured her that I didn’t harbor any hatred, judgment, or resentment towards her because of her decisions. My mind was racing; I had so many questions, but I was silent. I thought to myself, “We’ve been through this before; it should make it easier,” and yet, I was angry. I was angry because my parents made the decision to keep this a secret my whole life; I was angry because I felt like they didn’t trust us to love them unconditionally regardless of their choices as young adults; I was angry because I had been deceived, had spent my whole life thinking I was the oldest of only two biological children, and then just three days after the death of my father, discovered that I am the middle child.

I found myself grieving not only for my dad, but also for my mom, who had carried this weight alone all these years. I grieved for the sister I didn’t even know yet, for the life we never shared together, the memories we never got to make. After so much loss in my life in the last several years, I had been given this amazing gift. Another older sister to turn to for advice and counsel. Two amazing nephews to watch grow up, celebrate their successes and encourage them in their failures. A life had been taken, but I was given so much more. All of his girls were finally connected, able to build relationships that would last a lifetime.

*Guest post by my sister, Kristina Wood

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/a-life-taken-a-life-given

Things I Wish My Biological Mother Knew

I was adopted at birth. I have been working with various members of the adoption triad for years through online communities. Birth mothers have been some of the most selfless, altruistic people I have ever known. They can be the strongest, most kind-hearted people. Often, a birth mother has many questions about the child they placed. I reunited with my birth family two years ago. While there currently aren’t words to accurately cover all of the emotions I feel about my birth mother, here are five things I wish she knew:

I have loved you since before I knew you. When you carried me inside of you, a bond was formed. It’s a connection that I never knew existed until I met you. I have no memory of you from when I was a baby. Even still, my heart recognized you. Our reunion was not the stuff of TV drama. There weren’t flowing tears while the whole world watched. There was a humble embrace, and at that moment I knew I’d found a home I didn’t know I needed.

I cannot thank you enough for the sacrifice you made for me.  I always had a deep appreciation for your actions, but that was catapulted to a whole new level after I gave birth to my sons. I’ve watched videos of the journeys birth moms have chosen, and I have wept for them, wept for you. I absolutely do not know where you found the strength to say goodbye. Even if someone could guarantee that the child’s life would be better off somewhere else, I wholly believe I would be too selfish to let them go.

READ FULL ARTICLE: https://adoption.com/things-i-wish-my-biological-mother-knew